Awesome Video Of The DayShao Lin Xiao Zi (Translation: Little Boy What Punches Yer Face In)
When I was 7 years old I used to do moves like this all the time. The only difference was that I was doing them in a carpeted living room in Skokie, Illinois instead of in front of an epic mountain range at a Shaolin temple in China. Oh - and it looked like absolute garbage. Maybe that's because I had no formal training whatsoever and a completely sedentary lifestyle.
I'm not a kid anymore, but I'd bet you dollars to dojos that this kid could fight his way from one US coast to the other and annihilate pretty much anyone he encountered. Dude can do the splits and bang his head on the ground and all kinds of crazy crap; do you really think he's gonna have a problem mowing through a couple hundred thousand pasty, flabby Americans? We'll be all "Awww, look at him meditating in his little pajamas." Then his eyes will open and he'll be all "AIEEEEE!" and that will be the last thing you ever see. We need to keep this kid off of American soil. Seriously.
And you wonder why China is the next global superpower. Even their CHILDREN can murder you.
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With Winter just around the corner, it's time to make preparations for the cold months ahead. You're going to want to load up on batteries and canned food and have an emergency plan for your family and all that, but more importantly, you'd better figure out what you're going to wear. Navigating the gauntlet that is Men's Fashion can be scary, but don't worry: I've done all the homework for you, and this week on the Cracked Blog I'll be bringing you my five top picks for the season.The Cracked Guide To Men's Winter FashionLabel: Jean Paul GaultierMaterials: Leather, Cotton, Shame
Message It Sends To The World: "Claudio have... how you say... many side to him. Many side to Claudio, yes?"
Leather jacket lets you blend in among bikers (provided they all have severe neck injuries preventing them from looking down)
Sleeves permanently sewed into jacket pockets to give the impression that you are perpetually on your way somewhere else
Built-in iPod something-or-other
Flowing skirt can double as shawl in inclement weather
Two words: EASY ACCESS1
Price: $1,800,000 (sweet facial hair not included)
1 To your dinger.