This piece was written by the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
The way people show their status has always changed throughout human history. Once upon a time, it was by having the biggest horse, or the most ornate suit of armor, or the fanciest muscle car. There was even a brief period during which Pogs were a sign of status. We were kings then.
These days, it's the keychain. We swear this is true. Nothing says "total badass" like whipping out a pocket full of keys and clever gizmos, neatly assembled for ease of use. And that's where these come in.
If Samurais needed extra knives or were only 9 inches tall, this would be their weapon of choice. It's a 440c stainless steel Tanto blade in the classic katana shape, perfectly honed for opening boxes, cutting rope, slashing open your mail, or anything else you might need a pocket knife for. Normally $39.99, you can buy your Pocket Samurai Titanium Keychain Knife in the Cracked Store for just $29.99.
What is in this mysterious glow-in-the-dark vial? A secret formula? The souls of your enemies? Or maybe it's the last spark of hope in the Universe that one day, they'll make another good Alien movie. Whatever it is, it's on your keychain, and it will give you hours of light on just 10-15 minutes of light exposure each day. Normally $34.99, you can get yours in the Cracked Store for just $21.99.
This Grade 5 titanium carabiner (for those of you who don't speak mountain climber, that's a spring-loaded metal loop) allows enhanced security against pickpockets, enhanced convenience should you want to hang your keys somewhere, and enhanced silence with its suppression ring. It'll keep your keys from jingling while you sneak into the bank you're robbing, or whatever (we don't know your life).
No one's asking the really tough questions, like "Why don't all keys come equipped with a KeySmart?" Also, "What's a Keysmart?" Basically, it is a Swiss army knife for keys. The KeySmart keeps all your door-unlockers (we're tired of using the word "keys") in one convenient spot for your casual use. This one is black and made of leather.
Odds are you've lost your keys at least five times since reading this sentence. It happens. Or at least it used to happen to people, until they got KeySmart Pro, which keeps all your keys in a simple sleeve and helps you find them using the revolutionary Tile App. Once this catches on, "losing your keys" will be one of those weird things that only happens in stories old fogeys tell their grandkids, like using VCRs and not being afraid of mutants.
Open your mind and steady your heart, for this is much more than just a keychain. It's 1.5 meters of 55-pound military-grade paracord. It's basically a James Bond gadget for your keys, and while we don't recommend you using it to rappel down the face of a dam, who knows, it might come in handy someday. It also looks super dope. Normally $23, you can get yours in the Cracked Store for just $10.99.
And guess what. These 10 Items Hold The Key To Your Epic Summer Adventure. That's related, right. Because keys? Yeah.
Movies are never more unrealistic than when they're showing us exactly what a dollar can buy.
I don't usually go in for conspiracy theories.