3

He Likes Sucker-Punching Kids, Too

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Just a few days ago Williams was outside Atlanta hanging out with some children, and everything seemed to be going well, if a bit weird. That is when you should be worried, because with this guy it is definitely the calm before the shitstorm.

Williams showed up at a housing project unannounced and started handing out money. If someone is giving you free cash, you are less inclined to ask why, because you want the money, but in general sane people don't tend to do that. Then Williams joined a bunch of preteen kids for a game of pickup soccer. Again, not exactly a normal thing to do for a 41-year-old man, but if it was David Beckham doing it we would think it was adorable. And then Williams sucker-punched a 17-year-old kid in the head.

Of course someone got the whole thing on video, and regardless of the fact that it's blurry and choppy and we live in a post-HD world, within minutes it was racking up hits on YouTube.

2

He Might Have Faked It For Attention

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Journalists figured out who the kid was and reached out to him to find out his side of the story. That's when it became clear this might not have been as cut and dried as it seemed.

You see, Wash says that Williams actually pulled him aside during the soccer game and asked him to punch him. In other words, for reasons known only to him, Williams wanted to stage a fight where the kid hit him first. Would Williams have then fought back using some awesome choreographed moves? Backed down gracefully and taught all those watching a lesson about forgiveness and turning the other cheek? We'll never know, because Wash, being the not-crazy teenager he seems to be, refused. That's just good sense. If someone, famous or not, asks you to punch them with witnesses around who will say you hit them first, you say no. Cops are not going to buy your "Seriously, officer, he WANTED me to punch him" excuse.

And if that wasn't enough, Wash's uncle claims that the comedian went on Instagram to demand a rematch.

It was a bold new direction for his social media.

1

This Could Be A Cry For Help

Vince Bucci/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

You think I've come close to covering all the stuff Williams has been up to in the last few months? Nope! I honestly don't know how he fits so much into so little time.

The day after he and his entourage attacked that group of women, Williams was arrested for throwing a pair of swimming goggles at a pool store clerk. He claims he did it because the clerk used the N-word on the last day of Black History Month (would it have been less offensive in other months?), but even if the clerk was a dick, most people manage to go their whole lives without interacting with the cops two days in a row. But Williams is so familiar with the procedure that when they showed up he was already lying on the ground with his hands behind his back, ready to go to jail.

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I had more than a dozen mugshots to choose from. Seriously.

Two days after that he was in L.A. and managed to get in a fight while helping the victims of a car accident. He didn't cause the accident. Even when being a Good Samaritan this guy can't get away without throwing a few punches. And when the police were called again he found himself charged with misdemeanor battery on two coasts within three days. Four days later he was performing at a concert, and after doing a manic set of pushups, he ran across the stage and elbowed a random guy in the face (sucker-elbowed?). You have to admit, Williams is committed to being himself.

But the final straw, and there are so many straws at this point that we are being smothered by the haystack, was when one of Williams' bodyguards, Corey Dixon, claimed he was asked to do something illegal (we don't know what, so let your mind wander, because it could be LITERALLY ANYTHING), and when he refused Williams choked him and beat him with a baseball bat. (It's nice to know the many and varied ways this comedian chooses to hurt people. It really shows his creative side.) Police raided Williams' home and found huge amounts of weed as well as plenty of guns. He was booked for crimes ranging from weapons charges to fucking terroristic threats, but released on $60,000 bond because our legal system is so messed up sometimes.

You might not be aware of this if you have stayed on the right side of the law, but one of the things they frown on when you're out on bail, along with drugs, alcohol, and guns, is SUCKER-PUNCHING A KID IN THE HEAD. Within hours of this new crime coming to light, people on Twitter were questioning if Williams even wanted to be out of jail.

And that's a fair question. Whether it is jail or a psychiatric facility, he needs to be somewhere safe so I don't find myself writing another one of these articles in four years.

Kathy wrote a very funny book called FUNERALS TO DIE FOR, and you can buy it here. Or follow her on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter.

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