And then I guess a couple of actual h**osexuals overhear me, and start yelling at me, and I'm trying to explain to them that I'm actually evoking, very ironically I think, this classic character of a stereotypical drill sergeant, but they're not getting it and are still yelling at me, and I guess one of the cats dies because it was really incredibly ill, and then the cops show up. CRACKED: Wow. MAYER: So yeah. Drugs are bad. No good. How did I get on that story? CRACKED: I don't think I know. I guess this does bring to focus how you can sometimes be a little excessively candid during interviews. MAYER: Right. CRACKED: Because during recent interviews you've said some things that have attracted some negative attention. MAYER: I know. I think a lot of it has been overblown, but a lot of it - most of it - has been me acting horribly. I guess I'd like to clarify a few things. CRACKED: You've talked quite a bit about some of your past relationships with other celebrities: Jennifer Anniston. And Jessica Simpson, as well. MAYER: Yeah, I've definitely seen the business end of a few famous ladies. CRACKED: Do you regret speaking so openly about such personal matters? MAYER: I do. I mean I've always been a pretty open guy, with a sort of "f**k it" attitude. So I don't mind if my secrets get out. But I guess not everyone feels the same way. And I have to respect that. CRACKED: Do you even have any secrets about yourself left? MAYER: Oh tons. Like, did you know that driving a bulldozer into the ocean and running over mermaids is my favorite masturbation fantasy at the moment? CRACKED: No. MAYER: It is.
John Mayer's mouth hangs open slightly. I can see in his eyes he's resisting the urge to lick his lips. The temperature in the air immediately drops 10 degrees. I steady myself with a sip off coffee.
CRACKED: Moving on. I guess on the subject of offensive language, you've been taking flak for throwing around the "n" word pretty casually. MAYER: I know. I shouldn't have said that. It's a horribly offensive word that I never should have said. I sincerely apologize for that. But some of the things people are saying? These charges that I'm racist are nonsense. I have black friends, and have worked with black artists and colleagues, and like and respect them. And look, Obama is president and I'm thrilled about it. Hell, I hope next time we elect an even blacker guy! CRACKED: Uh... MAYER: I hate cancer patients. CRACKED: What? MAYER: You never see pictures of women having sex with dozens of robots at once any more. CRACKED: I'm sorry, you've lost me here. MAYER: Sometimes people die, and that's terrible. Like that thing in Haiti? I felt so bad for those people. But then you hear about people who are in the hospital and die because they have some disease, and you think,