Jetpacks, Boredom and The Classiest Headline Ever: The Friday Nooner (EST)!
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Jetpacks Are Boring
There was a time that I would've said having a jetpack would be unconditionally awesome. Who needs concrete plans when you have a jetpack, right? All you have to do is float around 50 feet off the ground, aimlessly firing thrusters and going wherever the winds blow.
That's what I used to think, anyway, but these days the idea of having a jetpack doesn't really do much for me. I guess it would be alright, but 50 feet isn't really that high in the grand scheme of things, and not NEARLY high enough to consider "soaring majestically." Plus, what am I going to be soaring not-so-majestically over, anyway? A parking lot? Maybe an IHOP if I'm lucky? I'm sure it would be fun to fly around with it for a little while, but after the initial novelty wears off all you're really left with is an awesome-but-impractical mode of transportation that will most likely eventually kill you.
Chances are I'd blast off, and it would be cool for about 15 minutes, and then I'd be like, "Alright - what now?" Then I'd land at the local hipster bar to show off my cool new jetpack, but I'd have no idea how to lock it up, and all my friends would go inside. They'd be like, "You alright?" and I'd be like, "Yeah - I'll be there in a minute." Then I'd strap back in and fly around for a while, all alone, until I started getting text messages like "where you @?!" or "u comin bro?" Then I'd throw the thing in a dumpster, go to the same shitty bar I always go to, and get a drink. It'd be a night pretty much like any other, except I'd have gotten there with a jetpack. The future is now, and guess what? It's just as shitty as everything else. Buy me a beer.