It’s Time To Get Happy. Like Right Now.
I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to talk real with you for a minute. I'm overwhelmed. Fifteen to twenty hours of my work week is spent on the phone, discussing headlines and current events. Every casual conversation with friends and family eventually turns political. Twitter, which used to be my escape from all of that, has now turned into a solid wall of apocalyptic news stories, followed by a dozen people playing Insult Tennis. I think a large part of that is because the news, in general, has become the dirty guy on the corner, wearing a doomsday sandwich board and screaming, "WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKIN' DIE!"
I've just had enough, you know? So as a service to myself (and hopefully at least a few of you), I'm taking a break from this horseshit-covered circus and turning my attention to some truly awesome, happy stuff. And if you have some you'd like to share, please, please, please do. God knows my sanity could use it.
Pandas Won't Let A Woman Sweep Up Their Leaves
Part of me thinks this video should be accompanied by "Yakety Sax." The other part says, "NO! You leave this perfect piece of artwork exactly as is! You don't piss in the mouth of Jesus!" The basic gist is that a woman walks into an enclosure filled with pandas and attempts to sweep up some leaves. When the pandas see her broom and basket, they turn into excited toddlers. Big, fat, rolling, flopping toddlers -- just flopping and rolling their fat little bodies all over her tools, eating the broom and climbing into the basket.
That's the gist, but what gets me laughing is how long it goes on. That poor woman keeps trying to round them up, but the second she moves one, another takes its place. And just when she starts to make some semblance of progress ... "Here comes the FAT, baby!" *Flop*
And they refuse to give up their toys, no matter what:
If this video was 30 hours long, I would put it on a loop and die from smile poisoning.
A Ceaseless River Of Ducks
The only thing I know about this story is, "JESUS CHRIST! DUCKS! FUUUUUUUUCK!"
But that's really all you need to know, because Jesus Christ. Ducks. Fuck. It's an endless sea of quacking and waddling. They're holding up traffic. They're repaving the road in just the cutest duck poop imaginable. They're weaving -- nay, flowing -- around cars like they own the highway. I mean, they can fly and they're still like, "Fuck you. We are a river of ducks, and we do whatever the hell we want. We're waddling right through your traffic. Get the FUCK out our way!"
Then, just as the line ends, and you think it's over ... JESUS CHRIST! MORE DUCKS! FUUUUUUUUCK!
Someone Made A Gigantic Penis Out Of Live Sheep
I don't quite know how to put this into words, but I'm going to try. I have three children. On the day each of them were born, I felt another part of myself come alive ... like I'd spent years, looking for missing pieces of an elaborate jigsaw puzzle and suddenly found them while cleaning the couch. They taught me what life actually meant. How valuable and precious it is. That you can never be a whole person without allowing someone else -- a child, a romantic relationship, a friend -- to fill in the gaps.
Hugh Beveridge's sheep penis makes all of my kids look like pieces of shit in comparison.
Toddler Plays Hide And Seek With A GoPro On His Head
This is the cutest goddamn thing in the whole world, and I will spin kick anyone who says otherwise. I don't care if it's Brock Fucking Lesnar. Say this isn't the cutest thing, ever, and you're getting a face full of John Cheese foot.
The best parts, for me, aren't when he's running through the house, frantically looking for his parents. It's when he stops in the hallway and starts scanning each room. You can tell his little brain is working, trying to figure out the most probable hiding spot, and even though you can't see his face, you just know it's crinkled up in chubby toddler concentration:
But just when you think it can't get any cuter, their dog tracks down the parents for him, and gives away their hiding spot. If you don't find yourself smiling ear to ear when he opens the closet and bursts out his little toddler laugh, you have no soul. I'm talking to you, Brock Lesnar.
T. Rex Snowball Fight
OK, so it's been well established throughout my writing career that if it's floppy, it will make me laugh. The floppier it is, the more I lose it. That's probably why I make so many dick jokes.
I'm having to do a little "I'll take your word for it" as to the owner of this video, because it's been posted on tons of sites. But Nicole Fullmer claims that she was taking down her Christmas lights when she saw that epic battle happening in her neighbor's yard. As of the writing of this article, it has around 112,000 views, but if there is a god, that number will get at least three zeroes tacked to the end of it.
It's funny enough, seeing those two kids (I'm assuming they're kids) throwing snowballs at each other while dressed as tyrannosaurus rex. But the thing that keeps making me laugh so hard is that it's really hard to run while wearing those things. So after one of them flings a snowball, he runs away, waddling like a toddler and then flops over into the snow. Over and over and over again.
And I can't. Stop. Laughing. It's stupid. I know it is. But I can't stop. If I had the ability, I would hire those two people to come to my house and just do things while dressed in those costumes. House chores, home repairs, my taxes. It doesn't matter. I just want those two people hanging out with me forever, dressed like big ol' floppy t. rex.
Since we can't see tyrannosaurus rex fight in real life, the next best thing are bulldozers ... the t. rex of vehicles. Now, some people might watch that video and say, "But John, you can't be happy about that. Those people aren't playing around. Those are actual real humans in an actual real fight with actual real bulldozers!" And to that, I throw up a high-five reception palm and say, "Hell yeah, they are!"
No, seriously, they aren't in a demolition derby or doing some promotional stunt. The men driving those bulldozers are from two competing construction companies, and they obviously missed the "Please don't battle to the death with your bulldozer" section of the safety-training video.
Look, you can say, "That's violent and dangerous and crazy" all you want. But to that, I say:
It makes me happy, and that's the whole point of this article.
Ping Pong. Right In The Balls.
I'm not saying a goddamn word about it. You saw it. Take my lead and watch it again. And again. And again. And again. And again ...
Here, let me put it in gif form, so you can loop it forever. You're welcome.
John Cheese is the head of columns for Cracked. You can also find him on Twitter.