-fiddles with phone-
C: I'm sorry for the mix-up, and would like to preemptively claim outrage at any suggestion you might make that we named this feature after a popular entertainment news show to mislead you. SLB: Ahh. OK. C: Simply outraged.
SLB: It's cool. One thing though. Why are we in your lunch room? C: Needed a place with a table. Michael Swaim: -breezily enters room, opens fridge-
Hey, guys. C: Hey Michael. Whatcha got there? MS: Sandwich. C: Hilarious! MS: -gun fingers, double-wink, breezily leaves room-
C: So then. The interview. SLB: Righhhhhhht. C: A lot of people are throwing around the words "Shia" and "Oscar" and "No" and "Chance" and "Hell" these days. Others are including the preposition "In." Still more are using the word "Idiot." So my first question is: Do you have anything to say to that? SLB: Well I'm not an idiot. C: No? Because there is some documentation of this. There was the incident where you got arrested because you
wouldn't leave a Walgreens.
Is that right? -checks notes-
That can't be right. SLB: No, that's accurate. C: Huh. And you had a DUI arrest.
That's not typically a move of geniuses. SLB: No, no. Not too proud about that one. C: And then there's this thing where you were walking around town with a brown paper bag over your head.
You can tell it's him from that faint feeling of dread and unhappiness you get looking at the picture.
SLB: OK, sure. C: What was up with that? Like an arts and crafts thing? Are you still in school? I don't really know how actor school works. You've basically got a second grade education, right? SLB: Hey back off, man. No, it's just that when you get the paparazzi around you all the time, it makes you go a little haywire. That's all. C: That's fair I guess. In high school, I once got into a shouting match with the yearbook guy from Jostens. Same thing I guess. SLB: Sure. Sure. C: I'm all like, "But they're our school colors!" and he's all like, "You can't wear crepe paper and saran wrap in this photo." SLB: Right. C: He's all like,