No, She's Not That Bad: At Least She Made A Lot Of Money From Her Fake Wedding
As any of our married readers are likely to confirm, if they had had the opportunity to sell sponsorships to defray the costs of their wedding, they certainly would have. "What the fucking fuck?" they shrieked when I called them while conducting research. "Was that an option? HONEY!? GET IN HERE AND LISTEN TO WHAT THIS GUY IS SAYING." If she had the nerve and moxie to make
money from her wedding, who are we to blame her? Indeed, the conventional wisdom about Kim is that she's been a pretty savvy businesswoman, who's managed to parlay her dubious, ass-based claim to fame into a massive, not entirely ass-based empire. On the other hand, that empire building mostly involved lending her name to products that other people had created, which makes her most marketable skill "existing" -- a verb which is not normally associated with a great deal of intelligence. Carrots, for example, exist as thoroughly as Kim Kardashian. But carrots are one of the most intelligent vegetables, so I guess that counts as a tie.
Yes, Of Course She's an Idiot: She Dated a Man Named Ray J
Kim famously was involved with hip-hop artist Ray J, with whom she created a sex tape. This is troubling for a few reasons. One: No one who chooses the name "Ray J" for himself can be called wise; and two: Nothing they propose to do with a video camera can be considered tasteful. Someone who agrees to anything involving Ray J and a video camera is either a girl with very low scores on standardized tests, or a busted Speak and Spell which can only say the word "yes."
"You love me, don't you broken Speak and Spell which can only say 'yes'? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME!?"
No, She's Not That Bad: She Timed The Release Of That Sex Tape Very Well Indeed
I'm not saying that Kim deliberately released her own sex tape on the eve of her first reality show hitting the air, even if that would make an awful lot of sense. That kind of statement would be slander, even if basically everyone agrees that's what happened. But hypothetically, if that was the case, it only proves Kim's great intelligence. The public's appetite for ass, and the associated distributors of ass, is such a little known phenomenon that only a marketing genius could have picked up on it. [subtitle]Yes, Of Course She's An Idiot: She Released a Music Video called Jam (Turn It Up)
[/subtitle] Earlier this year Kim released a single called Jam (Turn It Up)
in which she made everything worse, everywhere. If anything bad happened to you this year, astrologists and philosophers agree it was probably because of Jam (Turn It Up)
Even her hair seems a little embarrassed by it, as it appears to be trying to escape her head.
The title alone should tell you everything you need to know about the song, that it was composed by someone who knows nothing about irony. Any song with a subtitle is already veering dangerously close to the Ridiculous Chasm, and to then pick (Turn It Up) -- the third most cliched subtitle after (Baby) and (Luvya Luvya Sex Panther) -- is sheer idiocy.
No, She's Not That Bad: She Stopped Making Music Videos
But like before, if she's in a situation where idiots will throw money at her and tell her she can make a music video, why wouldn't she try it out? And when she realized that she had no business making music videos, and that birds would stop attacking her if she stopped, she stopped. The music industry could quite frankly use more of that kind of self-awareness, even if it does hurt the bird-protection industry. ________________________ If I know my readers, it's that they're now desperate for me to conclude this article in a completely unsatisfactory way. And not wanting to disappoint, I've decided to split the difference and not really take a stand one way or another. Yes, if set down in almost any other time and place in the thousands of years of human history, Kim Kardashian would be regarded as an idiot. She's got the kind of skill set and demeanor and grating voice which would immediately motivate her peers to throw her at leopards, even if leopards weren't readily available.
But in the modern era, where leopards are protected, and bananas come with warning labels, and a television channel called E! can thrive, she's just not that remarkably dumb. To be clear, that gross spectacle of a wedding was one of the single stupidest events to have happened in human history. But Kim didn't do it alone -- she had a family of idiots supporting her, and dozens and hundreds of professional idiots working to organize it, and millions of idiots, eager to witness a royal wedding (of ass-based royalty), who put her in the position where she could pull it off. Amongst this crowd, Kim's the smartest one standing. ________________________
For more in depth Celebrity analysis from Bucholz, check out Justin Bieber's Favorite Knife Fighting Techniques and 'I hate cancer patients': John Mayer is Too Candid (Again).
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