If Everything Had A Fantasy League: Election Edition

Exactly one year from today, Americans will head to the polls to elect the next president of the United States. Let's not mince words here; it's going to be a circus. As of right now, on the Democrat side, there are three candidates, and that's mostly just a technicality. The only reason Martin O'Malley is still in the race is because it's been rumored that he's the inspiration for a character on The Wire. But once people remember that Tommy Carcetti is kind of a monster on Game Of Thrones, that will be the end of the O'Malley campaign ...

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Almost none of this is correct.

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... leaving just Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in the race on the blue side of the aisle.

The Republican side, on the other hand, is a goddamn clown car. There are still a dozen or so candidates pretending they have a shot at becoming their party's nominee. It really is anyone's guess as to who they'll pick, especially since Donald Trump has been the frontrunner for about as long as we've been discussing candidates, and everyone knows he'll never get the nomination.

With so many names in the news, it's hard to keep track of all the important information that goes into helping you, the American voter, make an informed decision on election day. Even if that wasn't the case, none of it matters because you probably have your mind made up already anyway.

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Nevertheless, it's our civic duty to at least try to keep you abreast (ha!) of what's happening in the world, especially when it comes to something as important as who we decide to let run our country for the next four years.

Andrew Renneisen/Getty Images News/Getty Images
No.

It's kind of like how broadcast TV channels are forced to set aside a certain amount of programming for educational purposes, except this is a requirement we're imposing upon ourselves, because we're better, more responsible citizens than most. You're welcome.

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We'll be taking a "two birds with one stone" approach to covering the upcoming election in that, by doing so, we'll also introduce a healthy and long overdue sense of competitiveness to the Cracked office that bare-knuckle boxing in the parking lot alone never adequately could.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Cracked 2016 Presidential Election Fantasy League.

The Rules

It's pretty simple: We'll track every news story, important or otherwise, about every candidate who stills harbors delusions of presidency at the moment and stands at least a theoretical chance of winning. We'll use the details from those stories to judge each candidate using a complex scoring system, which you'll undoubtedly marvel at below.

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An array of Cracked-related personalities will each be assigned two candidates, one of their choosing, the other picked at random.

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Spoiler: They're all Jim Webb.

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Every two weeks, the team with the first and second highest point totals will write a few paragraphs each about the stories and events that went into making their candidate and, by extension, themselves, such a winner.

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Also, the person with the lowest score has to do the same thing, with the difference being that they'll need to explain why they hitched their wagon to such an obvious and worthless loser.

The Scoring

As mentioned earlier, the scoring is based on a complex set of parameters that are the result of long hours spent poring over countless news stories about elections past, looking for situations and scenarios that most commonly arise. When that failed, we just made some shit up instead. Here goes:

Positives

Elected president: +500

Becomes vice president: +250

Candidate wins party nomination: +100

Candidate takes the lead in the polls: +50

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Candidate lands the cover of Time Magazine: +25

Time
Dammit, this happened already?

Endorsement from major publication: +20

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Endorsement from rapper: +30

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Declared winner of a debate: +20

Is the party frontrunner: +15

Negatives

Loses nomination, goes independent: -100

Loses lead in polls: -50

Candidate lands the cover of US Weekly: -25

Endorsement from hate group or otherwise reviled source: -20

Major donor revealed to be tied to something awful: -20

Endorsement from country singer: -30

Distances self from rapper endorsement after "finding out" about lyrics: -30

Paras Griffin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"No thanks!" -Obama

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Gets embarrassed during debate: -20

Secretly recorded saying some crazy shit/racist gaffe: -20

Sex scandal: -20

Has to make a public apology: -15

Gives a legitimate or otherwise not-dismissive answer to a question from a clearly crazy person: -15

Candidate's embarrassing relative makes them look bad: -10

Misquotes a historical figure or botches a famous saying during a public appearance: -10

Pandering (negative or positive points)

Shoots a gun to appeal to gun owners:

At a shooting range: +5

While hunting: -5

While thwarting a crime in progress: +1,000

Is photographed/filmed playing a sport to show they're just regular folk:

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Basketball: +10

Golf: +5

Soccer: -10

Pictured drinking in a bar:

Hard liquor: +10

Beer: +5

Coffee/Water/Soda/Juice: -10

Any of these, but while also smoking: +250


He got it.

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Seen eating at a restaurant:

Waffle House: +50

Perkins: +25

Random diner full of old people: +10

Fast food: +5

Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Hillary Clinton -- the kind of candidate you want to share a Blizzard with.

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Dave & Buster's: +500

Talk show/late-night TV appearance:

Conan: +50

Corden: +50

Daily Show: +40

Colbert: +40

Fallon: +30

SNL: +25

Meyers: +20

Kimmel: -10

The Draft

The word "draft" can mean a few different things. As it relates to fantasy leagues, it's supposed to mean that all involved parties get together and meticulously craft their lineups by selecting the best available option at each person's given spot in the draft. We have no time for that shit. What are we, made of scheduling software and the know-how needed to use it?

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That's nerd shit.

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Instead of sticking to tradition, everyone who agreed to participate was asked to pick one candidate for their team, with the understanding that they'd be saddled to that pick for the duration. What they didn't know is that they'd be assigned a second pick completely at random. Again, "draft" can mean a lot of things, sometimes it means you get selected to do something you don't really want to do.

In fact, it's not even 100 percent certain that people listed here actually want any part of this at all. With that in mind, let's meet the players (and the candidates they represent)!

Adam Tod Brown: Donald Trump

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Surprise!

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Adam is an editor and columnist here at Cracked. Despite being asked repeatedly, he steadfastly refused to select or be associated with any candidate other than Donald Trump, at least for the purposes of this project. That's in direct violation of the rules, but given his status as the person writing these words right now, there's not a damn thing anyone can say about it.

Thoughts on the candidates:

I steadfastly refuse to select or be associated with any candidate other than Donald Trump, at least for the purposes of this project.

Genevieve Mueller: Bernie Sanders, Ted Cruz

Genevieve is a stand-up comic and podcast host who's contributed to Cracked previously. She's also a migrant rights activist with a doctorate in civil rights rhetoric. That means she's a goddamn doctor!

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Thoughts on the candidates:

Bernie Sanders is a strong candidate with a high moral code buttressed by a deep need to always strive toward the greater social good, which means he'll lose. He'll lose big time. But until then, he'll hold everyone to a better standard and force the issues into the campaigns. He refuses to slander other candidates, which is noble but probably a bad move politically. I want him to win so badly and I expect him to make it to the end at the very least.

Ted Cruz looks like your ex-boyfriend from college. The one who always had anger issues but hid them well except at parties where he'd blow up at you for talking to your guy friend for just a little too long.

Steve Pope/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"I don't care if you're related!"

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He lost his virginity late in life but always pretended to have a girlfriend in Canada and constantly says, "You know, I was born there," like it makes him exotic. Ted isn't quite sure how he got into this position, and he's ill-equipped to run a campaign, not to mention the country. He won't win, but I expect him to last at least until the primaries.

Daniel Dockery: Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal

Daniel Dockery is a columnist at Cracked and the most accredited Pitbull expert on the Internet. We're talking about the rapper, not the pet.

Thoughts on the candidates:

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Mike Huckabee's quest for relevancy is an inspiring one. The former governor of Arkansas will stop at nothing to let you know that he has opinions on things that have happened. If a child falls in a well, Mike Huckabee will lend a helping tweet from a thousand miles away, a tweet that will include two words of condolence for the boy and 10 words of disgust for North Korea. Mike Huckabee was excluded from the last debate, and he responded to this by tweeting that he would "debate anyone, anywhere, anytime."

Twitter.com
Except in places where those debates matter, because he got kicked out, you see.

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So, look out, America. Mike Huckabee is on your subways and your planes and in your local Applebee's, and if you make the wrong move, WHAM. Huckabee will come in with a left and a right and a vengefully antiquated view of marriage. You gotta stay on your toes when you're dealing with the Huckboy.

Meanwhile, if you hear someone arguing with your waitress, it's probably Bobby Jindal. The governor of Louisiana once cost his state $1.65 billion in federal healthcare assistance. That's not the work of a rational human being. That's the act of a man whose primary position on things is, "I'm Bobby Jindal! Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to you people?" If you know something about a subject, Bobby Jindal knows more. He supported the right for motorcyclists to not wear helmets. Again, we're not dealing with a man that has a solid foundation behind his antics. We're dealing with Bobby Jindal. And the person that needs to prepare themselves for the whims of Bobby Jindal most is Bobby Jindal.

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Dan O'Brien: Lincoln Chafee, Martin O'Malley

Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"Which one am I?"

Dan O'Brien is a pretty cool guy who does a lot of things for Cracked, creative director of the video department being one of them. Unfortunately, he picked Lincoln Chafee at the outset, which was immediately followed by Lincoln Chafee dropping out of the race. His second candidate is Martin O'Malley. For all intents and purposes, Dan has lost already and, as such, was unavailable for comment at this time.

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Soren Bowie: Hillary Clinton, Chris Christie

Soren Bowie is a dreamboat and an editor at Cracked. In fitting with his legendary competitiveness, he insisted on knowing exactly how the scoring worked before settling on a candidate. Unfortunately, this meant that literally everyone else had a chance to pick before him, because knowing how the scoring worked first was purely a rule of his universe, man.

Thoughts on the candidates:

I want Bernie Sanders!

Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"What the hell?"

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Josh Sargent: Carly Fiorina, Rand Paul

What is there to say about Josh Sargent that hasn't already been said before? Lots of stuff, probably.

Thoughts on the candidates:

Carly Fiorina has stood out from the other candidates for two reasons: First, she's a robot who hates Planned Parenthood, and second, she was named after the prison planet from Alien 3. It was a strange but ambitious gamble to put so many chips on the nerd vote, but you can easily see how getting a spread on the fans of both the Alien and Terminator franchises can put her in the lead. Expect me to lean pretty hard on this Alien 3 joke until she inevitably drops out of the race, because aside from this weird coincidence with her name there is literally nothing interesting or noteworthy about this person.

Scott Eisen/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Hear me out ... aliens.

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Rand Paul is most famous for being the son of Ayn Rand, Paul Simon, a bottle of Lagavulin Scotch, and a magical night under the Newport stars. I had genuinely forgotten he was running for president, but I guess his book is doing poorly, so he probably won't be around for much longer.

Luis Prada: Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum

Luis Prada is a Cracked columnist who will receive absolutely no credit for coming up with the majority of the scoring system for this dumb endeavor. Ain't that always the way?

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Thoughts on the candidates:

Marco Rubio is a solid pick, but also a mystery. He's a shoo-in and a longshot at the same time. I'm far from an expert on the guy, but I do know one thing about him: He and I went to the same high school. I wouldn't vote for anybody who went to my high school.

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Also, you're telling me that until he inevitably drops out, I have a reason to pay close attention to the flaming carnival of horrors that is a Rick Santorum presidential campaign? Did I win some kind of lottery?

Felix Clay: Jeb Bush, Lindsey Graham

At deadline, Felix Clay has not responded to any requests to participate in any of this. Please take to the comments section and tell him how much you want him to.

Kathy Benjamin: Ben Carson, John Kasich

Kathy Benjamin is a Cracked columnist who would probably renounce her American citizenship and pledge allegiance to the Royal Baby at a moment's notice if given the chance. Nevertheless, she took the opportunity to say a few words about her chosen (and otherwise) candidates with more gusto than anyone else. Crikey, or whatever the fuck!

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Thoughts on the candidates:

Ben Carson is the greatest proof since Rain Man that just because you are brilliant at one thing doesn't mean you are good at everything, or even anything, else. At first even some people on the left took notice of a guy so outside the political system he hadn't even learned you are supposed to yell a lot.

Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Fixed!

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But now that we're used to that slow, calm voice of his and have started actually listening to the words coming out of his mouth, it turns out he's bonkers. He's a doctor who won't defend vaccinations. He thinks the very-solid-on-the-inside pyramids were built to store grain. And his campaign released an unbelievably terrible rap ad, because apparently they think stump speeches sound cool as long as they have a beat behind them.

John Kasich, the current governor of Ohio, is getting chewed up and spit out by a system that he doesn't understand anymore. He is brave enough to call out Trump and Carson's ideas for what they are -- crazy. But he doesn't seem to realize that people want crazy, at least for now. Of course that doesn't mean he's normal himself, because no one who thinks they should be leader of the free world is. Kasich thinks we should help Latinos in this country -- by tipping hotel maids. He doesn't think we should legalize marijuana but admits to smoking it when he was young. And he seems to have some seriously outdated views on women, thinking that our brains only understand diets, parties, and Taylor Swift concerts. That's pretty rich coming from a guy who only speaks at a sixth-grade level during debates.

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Do you want to win your presidential election fantasy league? Then you better read 6 Bizarre Factors That Predict Every Presidential Election and 8 Election Myths You Probably Believe for all of the insider info.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see the New Guy pitch Election 2016 video ideas in Presidential Election Spectacular - New Guy Weekly, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook and complete the Cracked social media "collect 'em all!" We're kinda doing a McDonald's Monopoly thing but, you know, without all those prizes.

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