6

Uncle Kracker Must Have Been Designed To Be That Shitty

We're all familiar with science's explanation for how incredibly shitty things come to be: random variation combined with the fact that even disgusting things can have the most offspring. But the process of natural selection can't account for quantum leaps in moronic, nauseating bullshit like successful musician of the '90s Uncle Kracker.

Kid Rock naturally formed out of the (deplorable) rap rock movement in the late '90s, and fits well with the conventional theory that things just naturally get worse and worse over time. But two years later, a quantum leap in shittiness hit the world in the form of Uncle Kracker. From the catchiness of the hooks to the vapidness of the lyrics, it was a whole new level of music that makes you so disappointed in humanity as a whole. This perfect storm of terrible, infectious music didn't simply grow out of the bad music that came before it, and yet it was produced by Kid Rock. How do we explain that?

5

Sex Can Kill You

One thing that convinces people that there is no malevolent deity laughing at us enduring this nightmare world is that there are a few pleasurable things. Chief among the pleasurable things is sex. Sex feels good. Really, really good. It's basically the best thing there is, which is why we spend 90 percent of our time and energy trying to have it with the people we like.

So how can there be a God (and I don't mean to turn anyone off with semantics here, call him whatever you want -- Beelzebub, Shaytan, Apophis) when we have sex? Simple: Sex can kill you. That means basically the one good thing we had going for us is forever tinged with "Is this gonna kill me?"

The fact that we have something that's almost purely good but must be forever tainted with worry is just so emblematic of existence as a whole. It's a tantalizingly near miss at something entirely good. Surely, that's a clear sign that a being of superhuman intelligence is fucking with us, and that it wants us to be miserable. Also, the fact that our genitals are right next to our waste disposal systems seems conspicuously like someone's cruel idea of a joke. That can't be the safest or most efficient way for a human body to function. Unless you assume malicious design!

4

Domino's Pizza Continues To Exist In New York

Occam's Razor demands that we take the simplest explanation for why we inhabit a world that's 80 percent pain and 20 percent disappointment. We don't need the existence of a deity sniggering at you to explain a "push door" which for some reason has a goddamn pull handle; it's simpler to assume that inconveniences like that just happen because of everyday idiocy.

But what do you do when confronted with the fact that Domino's pizza thrives in New York City, a fact that makes a mockery of all logic and reason?

Despite the clear availability of cheaper, better pizza all over the city, Domino's somehow still makes money in New York. By all laws of economics, this should be impossible. New York is a city known for great, cheap pizza 24 hours a day, and Domino's is a pizza company that once had to publicly apologize to the concept of pizza for sullying its name. Who is buying Domino's in New York?

There are no humans who both have $6 and would think, "We're in New York, let's get Domino's!" And yet they continue to exist, spreading their pestilence of terrible pizza even into the one place it should not be able to reach. Praise be. It makes absolutely no sense, and there is no way this could ever happen ... unless we acknowledge the existence of a Higher Power that is some sick bastard.

3

God Has A Horrific Plan For Us All

One of the toughest questions for any theologian to answer is "If God exists, why do good things happen?" This isn't just some theoretical exercise. How do you explain to your young daughter that Greg, a grown man who wears leather bracelets, got the promotion instead of you? If there is no God, how could something good have happened to such an incompetent shitheel? You have to keep in mind that God has a terrible plan for us all.

We just need a little perspective. No matter how many good things happen in Greg's life, ultimately he will die. Probably painfully. If some of the good things that happened to him were people caring about him (despite his fashion choices), then they'll be hurt by his death as well. Maybe just emotionally, or maybe they'll die painfully with him, crushed by an orca they were watching or whatever. And for those who don't die with him, he will live on in their hearts as a painful memory.

You see, the human mind naturally feels losses much more deeply than it appreciates gains. That means the old adage "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is demonstrably false. (And the fact that people repeat it so much is a frequent reminder that most happy thoughts are just flat-out incorrect.) Those who loved Greg will forever carry their sorrow with them, and won't find much comfort in the new relationships they develop, even if those people are far less douchey than Greg.

2

Seriously, That Uncle Kracker Guy Is Still A Thing

I know we covered this earlier, but I just can't believe you had to read the rest of the article after I brought that puppy out. Look at his face:

CMT.com

1

He Made Some Humans Nice And Others Psychopaths, And Made No Reliable Way To Tell Them Apart

As you've no doubt noticed, there are a lot of bad people in this world. One of the most important tasks in your life is to separate the kind people from the ones who want to cut you open just to watch you bleed out.

You'd think that over the millennia, we would have gotten pretty good at figuring out the differences between the two, but He -- in His infinite spite -- made them blend in perfectly with one another. Because community is the most important thing. Specifically, us never having one -- having to sleep with one eye open, even with our spouses, because you never truly know whether they want to cut your head off and wear your skin as pajamas.

Did you know that 22 percent of all murders in the U.S. are committed by family members against one another? Sure does make you think. And then become terrified. Remember to hug your loved ones tight tonight because they may snap at any moment.

No, instead He gave us a very easily distinguishable characteristic called "race" that isn't tied it to anything that actually matters. So people wound up doing unspeakable violence to one another for all human history just because "race" was just kinda there. It's a breathtakingly terrible state of affairs, simultaneously heartrendingly tragic and maddeningly pointless. Truly, His works are a horror to behold.

Aaron Kheifets asks you not to visit his twitter.

For more check out 5 Real Coincidences That Prove God Has a Sick Sense of Humor and 6 Bible Stories Where The Moral Was 'Haha F*ck You, I'm God'.

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