The 4th of July. "Independence Day." "The Big Easy." The day the entire planet gets together to put aside our differences and bond over our common love of fireworks and professional baseball. It's here again, just as we all expected it to be and, as usual, it fills the heart of every man, woman and child with patriotic warmth and togetherness.
Now, we all know what rituals we are supposed to engage in: "Oohing" at fireworks, enjoying barbecues, hoping your hot neighbor-lady gets drunk enough to have sex with you, but no one really knows why.
It's true. The real history behind Independence Day is a complete mystery, lost forever to the ages in a whirlwind of lust, hot dogs and unwarranted restraining orders. Sure, there are
as to the origins of Independence Day, but we may never really know the truth. Much like showering and wearing pants in church, Independence Day is one of many practices that people regularly engage in without having the slightest idea of Why.
Well, never being one for mysteries, I took it upon myself to clear up this whole confusing ordeal once and for all. I'm here to expose the truth behind Independence Day. I dug deep, folks. I hit every library, museum and strip club in the entire East Coast and I've emerged covered in equal parts truth and body glitter to share with you my discoveries. Here, for the first time ever, I've assembled all the facts and figures to give you the road to Independence Day.
-Taxation Occurs, Very Little Representation is Involved
- Great Britain, who at this point still controls America, decides to set up the Stamp and Quartering Acts, a series of taxes on the American people who refuse to pay on the grounds that they had no say in the voting process that led to the creation and enforcing of these taxes. Adding insult to injury, GB adds the first of many unfair Townshend Acts, (named for harmless, family-friendly comedian Robert Townsend and yet, somewhat oddly, spelled wrong). As a result of the unfair taxation, the colonists famously coined the rallying cry "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself."