two rooms in a five-star hotel, for some reason, a diamond-studded top hat, a sandwich gun, which isn’t a thing, by the way, you made that up. Uhh … it looks like you’re asking for $900 for ‘miscellaneous pimping,’ two grand for heroin, and this last item … I mean, it looks like you’ve just drawn a picture of yourself on a jet pack, I don’t … I don’t know what that means.”

I smiled, lost in the brilliance and eloquence of my proposal. “Dan, I gotta be honest … I can’t give you any of this.” “Why the hell not?” If I hadn’t already swiped his wallet, you can bet your ass I’d have been swipin’ it then. Swipin’ it like a motherfucker. “Well, gosh, Dan, so many reasons. We don’t have this kind of budget, for one thing. A good portion of the items on this list aren’t real, and uhh, some of these things, I just wouldn’t feel right signing off on, morally, you understand. I might actually have to fire you, you know that, right?” “No, no I don’t know that, Jack Fu. All I know is that this SXSW nerd bullshit is gonna be huge. All I know is that I’m sitting on the article of the century over here and all you can do is piss on my face.” “Well, I don’t really think that’s what I’m doing, but alright. I’m not going to sign off on this. Can you please get out of my house now?” “Biggest mistake of your life, pal,” I said as I headed for his refrigerator. “All you do is piss. Piss, piss piss. You are a coward.” “I’m calling the police.” *** Had A-Jack of the Clones not been such a raging coward, I’d be sitting pretty in Texas right now, soaring over a bunch of understandably impressed bloggers in my Cracked.com Jet Pack. But that isn’t the case. I wasn’t there and, surprise surprise, something huge happened. Had I been there, I’d be able to give you fine readers first-hand accounts of one of the most talked about Facebook-related controversies of the new millennium. Apparently, Sarah Lacy, the woman who, for no discernible reason, was tasked with interviewing youngest billionaire on the planet and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, did such an awful job as an interviewer that audience members were booing, shouting out insults, and doing whatever else it is that nerds do when they get cranky. Lacy was reportedly too giggly and flirty, seldom asked any actual worthwhile questions and often interrupted Zuckerberg as he was in mid-sentence. The article, (that I didn’t write because I didn’t fucking see the interview), goes on to say that Lacy implied she might pour water on Zuckerberg, made up a story about Zuckerberg burning a series of his personal journals, and one blogger you’ve never heard of said “"It sounds like the Zuckerberg keynote was one of the worst things in Internet history.” Got that, everyone? One of the worst things in Internet history. This is the same Internet that brought us 2girls1cup, goatse, that bitch who plays Hannah Montana’s webshow, and stale jokes that never made sense to begin with: You don’t just throw around “one of the worst things in Internet history” lightly. This event, described by Wired as total “chaos,” will be talked about for years and years to come. And where was Cracked.com’s Senior Stupid Internet Shit Correspondent while all this was going on? Where was he, you ask? He was sitting alone in his apartment in his underwear, spilling nachos on his stomach and missing the story of the century because someone was too cheap to shill out the necessary $86,000. Maybe when he learns to recognize a gifted journalist when he sees one, he'll get his wallet back. Probably not though.

---

Some more of Daniel's stuff can be found here and sometimes here. But not here.

More Blogs