If The Characters on 'Lost' Told the Truth

Kate

Dear Diary, Today I wore my shirt bunched up around my stomach with a single smear of dirt on my otherwise immaculate face. I think it makes me look savage, but not ugly savage; a pretty savage. Like a wild, sexy horse. I practiced ‘cavorting in the surf,’ for two hours this morning, and I really think I have it nailed. As the sun fell behind me--its rays outlining my soft body in an aura of sparkling light and water--I think I actually felt everything go into slow motion. I would feel like such a pretty, pretty princess if a poor diet and prolonged malnutrition didn’t have me shitting liquid into a ditch every two hours.

Hurley

What’s up, Journal? Everybody here is so into their personal drama. It’s pretty weird, I guess. There’s no room for a fat guy in all that stuff, though. Oh no, the fat guy can’t be involved in any romantic love triangles; he’d just drag everything down, right? It’d be like, an isosceles love triangle if you put fatty on one end. Speaking of, why have I even gained weight here? Between nebulous monsters and the Others, I run literally eight miles a day and there is nothing to eat here but fish and fruit. I’ve been living like a Californian trophy wife for four years now, dude, and I still look like that guy from Blues Traveler. It’s not fair. If Sawyer’s gonna keep calling me "Tubbs and Crocket," you’d think somebody’d hook a dude up with some real food. Today I got so desperate that I made a makeshift burrito out of leaves and this dead bird I found. It almost tasted like Taco Bell. I cried for an hour and a half.

Jack

Locke

The Chronicles of John Locke, The island hasn’t spoken to me in weeks now. I begin to worry about our psychic connection. How solid can our relationship really be, if it is so easily shaken? A guy forgets to turn a wheel one god damn time and then it’s the silent treatment for a month. I’m pretty hard up. I’ve started really noticing that little island off the coast that the Others' facilities were on. It seems like it’s really been working on its appearance lately. Sometimes I look at that pretty little island out there, sitting all perky and tight on the shifting sea, and it’s all I can do to stop myself from canoeing out there and giving it a good hard psychic reaming. That little bitch. You know she wants it. Jesus, commitment is hard.

Sawyer

Sawyer’s Diary of Feelings and Crap, I’m runnin’ outta nicknames. For the last month I’ve just been calling everybody "homo." Don’t think nobody’s finding it all that endearing anymore. Thought I’d step up my game last week and try something new, but I drew a complete blank and ended up calling Claire’s ghost “chucklenuts.” I think that was from a Jerky Boys CD. My hair has officially gone from ‘sexy, primal mane’ to ‘unattractive, vegan hippy nest.’ Nobody cares how troubled you are when you smell like sweat and old fruit.

Miles

Ben

Ben’s Log, A revelation has come to me. After years of confusion and desperation, I believe I finally understand. I believe I finally understand everything, and that is all I have ever asked in return for my many sacrifices. It's perfectly clear now: Jacob was not the island, Richard is. Jacob was an incarnate version of an old god, hidden here in a place where old gods could still exist, not at odds with the modern world outside. Jacob was the avatar of a god, as was his brother, but it's Richard who is the avatar of the island itself. He cannot die in this place because he is this place. These long years have had me thinking that I served the island through Jacob, but I was merely serving Jacob because it is what the island, Richard himself, asked of me. It is Richard who should have my loyalty. Richard who is truly important to me. It is Richard who has my answers. And at long last I believe there are answers to be had... P.S. Nevermind. Richard was just beaten to death by a four-toed, bird-headed giant named ADAM-1. His death was foretold by the talking polar bear totem that’s apparently been haunting the dreamtime of the Oceanic Six. Also? Turns out I’m a woman. What the fuck, guys? Just… just what the fuck.

---

Find more from Robert on Twitter, Facebook or his own site, I Fight Robots, where you can share your theories about Lost with somebody who will really try to pretend to care (sort of).