Cool. Done. So whaddaya got for me?
Well, my cousin's ex-wife's personal trainer's cat's original owner's state
senator's second-favorite masseuse has assured me that there's some old guy
named Michael Douglas living in a decent-sized mansion on the other side of town.
He's gonna be on vacation for a week. We should hit the joint.
Do we know what's inside?
Do we know what security he has?
Fuck it. It's either this or Anchorman 3.
INT. DOUGLAS RESIDENCE
PAUL scoots on down to CASA DE DOUGLAS and breaks in SUPER EASILY.
Almost suspiciously easy. A hardened burglar such as myself might worry about
that, but more importantly, no he wouldn't. Now I'll just start stealing
these paintings off the walls, maybe snag some of that expensive china or
a flatscreen TV, and see if there is any jewelry in the OOH A SAFE!
I don't know, man. That safe's a century old and made from solid steel.
Wait a second ... steel. Steel is a metal ... and the Titanic was made of metal!
And the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg! And icebergs are made of ice!
PAUL drills into the safe and pours LIQUID NITROGEN inside, which then EXPANDS and EXPLODES the entire door, a trick which will sure come in handy when he gets his ICE POWERS. Inside he finds-
Aww, man. It's just a shitty knockoff Star Lord cosplay suit. It's even got
the same color scheme, the same goofy red-eyed helmet, the same leather motif.
I should really grab the microwave upstairs; I mean, it'll probably
pawn for more than this thing.
"Did we break into the Machine from 8mm's house?"
But PAUL takes the SUIT because he is an IDIOT. He goes home and TRIES IT ON in the SHOWER.
Nope, nothing weird about trying on an old man's leathery gimp suit that he
kept hidden in a safe. Oh look, buttons. I should push them. There's no chance
this thing still has any battery life left after years in stora- HOLY SHIT!
My God! I am become the tiny! This has incredible implications for
man's understanding of physics, spatial reality, biology, and
OH DEAR GOD NO MICHAEL PENA IS GETTING NAKED!
PAUL falls through the FLOORBOARDS and lands in a RAVE CLUB and gets KICKED AROUND LIKE A PINBALL until he FALLS INTO A DRAIN and gets WASHED ACROSS TOWN, and then he lands in NARNIA for a bit and gets chased by MICE before getting LAUNCHED into ORBIT and SMACKED AROUND by MARTIANS who punch him into a TUMBLE DRYER full of SEWING NEEDLES, which he BARELY ESCAPES before everyone realizes this MULTI-MILLION-DOLLAR BLOCKBUSTER ACTION FILM has essentially become a TOM AND JERRY CARTOON, so PAUL grows BIG AGAIN and is FINE.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Nope. This suit gets a big nope out
of nope. I should
sell it to HYDRA for a billion dollars return it to
the old guy I stole it from, who's probably realized it's missing by now.