MARVEL'S PATENTED HANDSOME FUNNY WHITE GUY GENERATOR spits out PAUL RUDD, GOOFY EX-CON with a CHECKERED PAST and a HEART OF GOLD. The soundtrack tries really hard to NOT play "Hooked On A Feeling" as he walks out of PRISON.
Hey, amigo! Nice to see you! You haven't changed a bit!
Yeah, even maximum-security prison couldn't take away these charms. How you doing?
That's hilarious. We should joke about that constantly.
So how's things with your daughter and your ex-wife and your ex-wife's new husband?
They love me, are friendly towards me, and are slightly suspicious of me,
respectively. Honestly, they're wayyy nicer to deadbeat, ex-con, hanger-on old
me than I have any right to expect. It feels more like I spent two weeks on
a business trip than three years of hard time.
So what now? You wanna commit some crimes together?
No. I'm straight edge now.
(works 10 seconds at Baskin-Robbins)
Fuck this, let's make crime happen.
PENA assembles his CRACK TEAM of HARDENED THUGS, T.I. and DAVID DASTMALCHIAN.
OK. Personalities. Go.
I'm black, homie.
Am Russian, comrade.
"Are your abilities movie stereotypes based off your ethnicities?"
Cool. Done. So whaddaya got for me?
Well, my cousin's ex-wife's personal trainer's cat's original owner's state
senator's second-favorite masseuse has assured me that there's some old guy
named Michael Douglas living in a decent-sized mansion on the other side of town.
He's gonna be on vacation for a week. We should hit the joint.