Christian Lynch
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Of all the things that take a violent pounding in any action movie, nothing absorbs more abuse than the buildings and structures where the events take place. Have you ever wondered what happens to those buildings after the movie ends? Conventional wisdom would dictate that they remain destroyed forever, but we only believe that because we stop thinking about them altogether. In real life, no matter what their post-credits state may be, chances are some enterprising real estate mogul would swoop in and try to turn all that destruction into an opportunity to make a little extra cash. Here's what the listings for a few famously battered movie properties would probably look like ...
Adorable two-story craftsman home with panoramic South American jungle views will leave you and your family breathless. Expect mild altitude sickness without oxygen mask. Inaccessible by car or foot, but generous landing space for helicopter, hot air balloon, or dirigible.
Built by hand in the 1940s, this quirky property requires slight repairs. Plumbing was destroyed by prior tenant, who uprooted the entire foundation with a delightful DIY balloon-powered apparatus in lieu of jackscrews. Some now-petrified human waste is in need of removal.
Disney/Pixar
Adventure awaits the natural outdoorsman. Hiking and rock-climbing opportunities are endless, rare wildlife roams freely through the secluded household, and the feral dogs eking out a desperate existence on your alluringly stark, rocky, and popped-balloon-strewn front lawn will be happy to converse with you about their desperate struggle for survival after their former master abandoned them. But don't worry about troublesome neighbors -- the community's only remaining occupant departed suddenly after forming a lifetime of memories in Paradise Falls.
Property is partially furnished. Two chairs, ottoman, and gramophone, along with assorted dishes, picture frames, and other miscellany, with some storm damage but still suitable for use. No nursery. Purchase all required supplies before relocating, as the nearest Home Depot and Babies"R"Us are over 3,000 feet down and several hundred miles away.
Luxurious one bed/one bath/one intermittent interdimensional gateway apartment is available in the heart of Manhattan. Spectacular Central Park views abound from this gem's gaping yet structurally sound full-wall "bay windows," which were blown out by a paranormal phenomenon that briefly captivated the entire city earlier this year. Security deposit required.
Put aside any safety concerns and breathe easy. The charring on the walls lining this historic property was caused not by an electrical fire but rather an otherworldly terror who goes by many names and titles, the only one that need concern you being "The Recently Evicted." A neutral color will be applied over black stains prior to move-in date.
Columbia Pictures
Admire the richly textured, classic Rococo-inspired interior architecture through the heaping chunks of burned sugar fluff that add a fun, post-modern twist. It's harmless, whimsical, and perfectly edible marshmallow that we are required to disclose was technically once the guts of a living, breathing, 100-foot-tall food mascot. This Guinness World Records-certified miracle of life exploded all over a building that's so sturdy it barely felt the fiery proton blast. That detail may turn away less adventurous renters, but we see a natural conversation piece and a chance to own a bit of history. Please note that rats and cockroaches are known to feast on exposed confectionaries and weekly pest control sprayings are included in your building maintenance fees.
Columbia Pictures
Finally, management would like to remind prospective renters that Unit #2206 has not experienced any supernatural occurrences since this year's earlier incident. However, the Shandor values your comfort and safety beyond all else and will be happy to cover any and all personal expenses incurred in the event of supernatural occurrences or the formation of troublesome cross-dimensional tunnels. Call 555-2368 and ask for Ray or Venkman for details.
Newly renovated 2,100 sq. ft. open floor loft space located on the 32nd floor of the Nakatomi Building in Century City is hosting an open house event this weekend. Thick-soled shoes required. Coca-Cola will be served. Please ignore the deep concrete crater and rubble located near the NW entrance while parking. Use the SE or SW entrance instead.
Walk past the two dozen heavily armed security guards stationed in the lobby, continue past the newly installed Victims of the Nakatomi Terrorist Attack Memorial Wall, and bypass the elevators to find the rear stairs. This is a temporary arrangement -- engineers inspecting the building concluded that, aside from the fifth floor and two elevator shafts being completely destroyed, the damage is cosmetic in nature.
20th Century Fox
Take the stairwell on your left and head up the staircase. Please watch for police tape, dried blood, and shell casings as you climb. The stairwell's "active crime scene" status is temporary, but Century City's reputation as one of the safest neighborhoods in Los Angeles is permanent. As you climb, consider also its many fine dining options, shopping centers, and cultural treasures.
Please hold your breath and plug your nose as you climb between floors 23 and 30. Water damage from ruptured pipes caused toxic mold to form. But you won't see any water damage on your bottom line, as Nakatomi is pleased to provide complimentary water utility services to all its occupants.
20th Century Fox
Please consider removing your suit coat or other outerwear as you approach floor 32. Maintenance workers are working day and night to address the sweltering heat issues caused by severe damage to our ventilation system. Rest assured that these costly repairs -- and the brand-new, top-of-the-line replacement equipment that comes with them! -- will not be reflected in any rent increases or hidden fees. Nakatomi Properties LLC is currently seeking punitive damages from the man responsible for the damage in a public court of law.
What your rent does include is a pristine and refurbished New Wave work environment, a complimentary parking space that fits everything from a sleek convertible to a luxurious limousine, and access to our nearly impenetrable safe for storage of any valuables that you just couldn't live without.
This 2,334 square-foot property is located on a spacious two-acre lot and is available and priced to move! While you ponder this incredible deal, allow us to answer some common questions about a property that you've no doubt heard many sensationalist news stories about, but maybe not quite as many legally disclosed facts. Was this lovely home owned by a serial killer known as Buffalo Bill? Yes. Did he skin dozens of young women alive after starving them in a homemade pit? Yes. Did he stitch their dried hides together to fashion a suit of human flesh? Yes. Was he shot to death in the house while attempting to murder an FBI agent? Yes. Did he dump rotting human carcasses in nearby rivers and fields? Yes. Did he take incredible care of a pristine and timeless property that has the charm of its 106 years but the quality of a home built yesterday? Yes, and that's the only question that speaks to the incredible future this discount home offers, rather than its dark (but historic!) past.
Orion Pictures
We get it. You're skittish of owning the gruesome murder house. But why not take a property that witnessed so much death and inject a little life into it? It's the perfect starter-home for a family, and the vast multi-room basement could be converted into anything from the ultimate man cave to dream bedrooms and a bath for the kids with all the money you'll save. And, with its excellent soundproofing, dads can blast their rock music or kids can scream their heads off, and no one would be the wiser!
Worried about your children's safety? The police will be keeping special tabs on your new home, and the basement's unsightly "pit" feature can be filled with concrete or converted into a fun foam pit! That's right -- the "hole to Hell" will officially be closed, but our inbox is open to offers!
Tarp tethered between three mangled metal poles available for anyone seeking temporary living situation. Displaced by the unimaginable wave of intergalactic violence that nearly annihilated Metropolis? Come on down to Tent City, conveniently located near the imploded concrete mess we once called LexCorp HQ.
Join thousands of other uprooted citizens in a neighborhood so trendy it doesn't even officially exist, and get in on the ground zero of a constantly expanding community that countless Metropolitans are dying to get into. Almost everyone is looking to make new friends, loved ones, and children, so you'll never want for an active social life while you rebuild the rest of your life.
Warner Bros.
Sick of, or from, foraging through dumpsters for food? Enjoy a quick on-the-go snack or a full-service sit-down meal in one of our many 7-Elevens and IHOPs that were inexplicably spared by General Zod's earth-shattering assault. Lines form early, so expect a minimum wait time of seven hours for service if you're not an early riser. Shoes, shirts, and bandages covering all open wounds and infections are required.
Looking for a new job to go with your new home? Why not shine shoes for spare change outside the offices of The Daily Planet? Yes, the Pulitzer Award-winning news organization survived both the fall of old media and the onslaught of metallic snake arms that ripped apart our once-bustling municipality, and they're looking for new go-getters. There are also exciting new opportunities in construction, garbage disposal, anti-looter security, and mass grave digging. And if you have a medical degree you won't find a community in the world where your skills are in higher demand.
Warner Bros.
If you choose to join our community, please remember a few common courtesies that may be unfamiliar to those of you who previously held a higher standard of living. Ration communal water carefully, dump your waste into the East River to prevent the spread of disease, and keep any wailing triggered by loss of loved ones, loss of religious faith, or general shock to a hush during sleeping hours. Book a showing before the weekend and receive a complimentary government-issue blanket!
Christian Lynch is a writer/producer who unabashedly loves 1991's Point Break. He has contributed to McSweeney's, The Onion SportsDome, and The Onion News Network. Follow him on Twitter: @monsterlunch
Deep inside us all -- behind our political leanings, our moral codes, and our private biases -- there is a cause so colossally stupid that we surprise ourselves with how much we care. Whether it's toilet paper position, fedoras on men, or Oxford commas, we each harbor a preference so powerful we can't help but proselytize to the world. In this episode of the Cracked podcast, guest host Soren Bowie is joined by Cody Johnston, Michael Swaim, and comedian Annie Lederman to discuss the most trivial things we will argue about until the day we die. Get your tickets here!
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