Not to mention an amazing singles scene.
Sick of, or from, foraging through dumpsters for food? Enjoy a quick on-the-go snack or a full-service sit-down meal in one of our many 7-Elevens and IHOPs that were inexplicably spared by General Zod's earth-shattering assault. Lines form early, so expect a minimum wait time of seven hours for service if you're not an early riser. Shoes, shirts, and bandages covering all open wounds and infections are required.
Looking for a new job to go with your new home? Why not shine shoes for spare change outside the offices of The Daily Planet? Yes, the Pulitzer Award-winning news organization survived both the fall of old media and the onslaught of metallic snake arms that ripped apart our once-bustling municipality, and they're looking for new go-getters. There are also exciting new opportunities in construction, garbage disposal, anti-looter security, and mass grave digging. And if you have a medical degree you won't find a community in the world where your skills are in higher demand.
Look at it this way: This is a place where print media is profitable enough to afford a building like this.
If you choose to join our community, please remember a few common courtesies that may be unfamiliar to those of you who previously held a higher standard of living. Ration communal water carefully, dump your waste into the East River to prevent the spread of disease, and keep any wailing triggered by loss of loved ones, loss of religious faith, or general shock to a hush during sleeping hours. Book a showing before the weekend and receive a complimentary government-issue blanket!
Christian Lynch is a writer/producer who unabashedly loves 1991's Point Break. He has contributed to McSweeney's, The Onion SportsDome, and The Onion News Network. Follow him on Twitter: @monsterlunch
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