pan-ethnic sex goddess and hip, jovial Blackâthereâs clearly only one direction to go in for your fourth: an edgy, even crueler white guy of average appearance. Itâs the classic pattern. It held true for The X-Men Meet Sam Kinison
, it held true for Huey, Dewey, Louie and McVeigh
, and dammit, itâll hold true for Idol
Simonâs mellowed in his old age, and the American people want blood, plain and simple. The new Idol
judge has got to be a shot in the arm, literally if possible. Is Kara DioGuardi willing to punch singers in the arm if they get too rangey? Because I am.
Producers, your selfishness has cost you everything, and while smaller men than myself might revel in your demise, I for one want to see
live on. Therefore, Iâm giving you a second chance. I will allow you to re-hire me. All I ask is that you publicly fire DioGuardi on the air (have Seacrest do it), put the show on sabbatical for retooling, and rename it Aswaimican Michael
In case youâre not yet convinced of my charm, musical knowledge, or capacity for petty cruelty, Iâve provided here my witty, insightful, off-the-cuff responses to a wide range of singers, from amateur to professional to Rick Astley (which is to say legendary).