Some of my notes from my night watching Glenn Beck's comedy show were easy to decipher ("Glenn Beck just said 'The National Endowment for the Arts pisses me off' and everyone clapped") but I also jotted down some slightly more passionate, yet less discernible remarks:
I'm not sure exactly what prompted that. Maybe it's me having sex with Glenn Beck's mother. Maybe it's Glenn Beck having sex with Glenn Beck's mother. Anyway, there were a lot of these quick, barely legible notes. This is my attempt to construct a rational narrative out of 11 of them. #1.
OK, I got this. It was pretty clear almost instantly that I wasn't Beck's target audience for this tour. The words "New York," "East Coast" and "California" are thrown around with a wink, as if the words themselves were punchlines, even though the jokes are never quite explained. ("I was doing a show out in California." Huge laugh and applause. "I was stuck in, ahem,
If you've ever seen Beck's TV show, you know that Socialism and, specifically, America's march towards Socialism is a big concern. During the live show, Glenn uses a quote from the Russian magazine,
After he used a ridiculous Russian magazine to prove an unsubstantiated claim that was convenient to the point he was trying make, I decided that I should state for the record that Glenn Beck wants rape taught in our public schools. Not for any preventative purposes. He wants to make American children more efficient rapists. "A rapist in every classroom," Beck cried out from the stage, as he sipped on rape juice and tossed back little mini cocktail rape hot dogs. To be fair, he did go on to clarify his point, saying "Rape rape rape." It was an unexpected outburst, to be sure, but I thought I'd just, you know, put it out there. If any comedian/political talking head wants to talk about why Glenn Beck is dangerous for America, feel free to cite Cracked.com in the same way that Beck cited
Calling this a "comedy" show was a very ballsy move. I would call it an energetic history lecture, or cheap, fear-mongering propaganda, or some kind of religious evangelical movement (if Glenn Beck was a religion), but never a comedy show. Not because it wasn't funny (it wasn't), but because there just didn't seem to be any jokes. The audience certainly laughed at the non-jokes that Beck was throwing around. Sometimes he would just use words like "Congress" or "Nancy Pelosi" or "Coal fire" as "jokes" that had neither set up nor punchline. He'd say "Climate Bill" and the crowd would go
And then, with absolutely zero provocation, Glenn Beck made fun of Ed Asner. He called Ed Asner an elephant and the audience fucking erupted. So while I can't speak for his audience, I can say with complete and total authority: Seriously, fuck you, Glenn Beck. Ed Asner is a goddamn institution. #6.
Oh, I know exactly what this means. Fifty minutes in to this bizarre hodgepodge of non-jokes and terrifying propaganda, Glenn Beck says he needs to take a break. This being the medium of film, I expect him to come back immediately, but he doesn't. The lights in the theater go up and a "Back in 15 Minutes" title card appears on the screen. There is an honest-to-goodness 15 minute intermission. In the movie theater. Speaking technologically, we've advanced beyond this, havenât we? One of the greatest things about movies is that we donât have to periodically pause while the actors get changed into different costumes, it's part of the magic. It's almost as bad as the 10 minute interlude earlier where Glenn Beck lamented the lack of pro-rape teachers in kindergartens. "WHAT?!" is exactly right, Daniel from the Past, WHAT?! indeed.
For the second act, Beck decided to dress in full-on colonial garb. Powdered wig and everything. He walked on stage, posed and the audience clapped and did not let up for a full three minutes. He opened the second half of his set with the words "Give me liberty or give me a jelly donut." The audience totally lost its shit. Now you're probably thinking that the costume is the "cheap visual trick" I refer to in the above note, and that the titties was just me being bored. Nope. The "titties" refer to the most infuriating moment of the show: To visually demonstrate the direction America is headed, he brings three people on stage. There's a very large, intimidating-looking dude, who represents Tyranny. On the opposite end of the stage, Beck positions an average-looking guy representing Anarchy. And then, in what has to be the most irresponsible use of titties in the history of media, Glenn Beck brings out a stunningly attractive (for a white chick) blonde with a super sweet rack, who he says represents freedom, or, as he explains with the focus and intensity of a seasoned sexual predator, "Sweet, sweet liberty." And I haven't even gotten to the worst part. In this visual diagram, Glenn himself represents America, of course. But as he stands, his sweaty, pale arms draped sloppily around Lady Liberty, far from Tyranny and a respectful four feet from Anarchy, he mentions Roosevelt and gives an unfairly watered-down depiction of turn-of-the-century Progressivism, and takes a step away from Liberty's glorious rack. And the audience boos. They boo fucking Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt fought several important battles, gave us the Panama Canal, helped conserve the Earth's forests and kept us out of war despite the fact that the
Towards Rape Town? This man must be stopped. Now, I'm no historian or anything, but I feel confident in saying that I am Cracked.com's Senior Authority on Motherfucking Presidents, and I certainly know enough to realize that, when you've got your audience booing Theodore Fucking Bullet-taking Fucking judo-mastering Fucking Bull Moose Roosevelt, then there is something profoundly wrong. Wrong with you, your audience and your bastardized perversion of history. #8.
Beck has a very clever way of being racist without actually directly saying anything racist. He's always applauding the Founding Fathers as brilliant, wonderful men who are, most importantly, Beck will stress as he leans toward the audience,
This... honestly could have happened at any point of the show. I think I have this exact thing written down about six times, so... yeah. #10.
At around 9:34, Glenn Beck talked about how important it was that everyone read as often as possible, and that Common Sense in particular was a must read. But he wasn't talking about Thomas Paine's Common Sense (which, I'd like to point out, is available for free right here). No. There's a new book, Glenn Beck's Common Sense, that Glenn had in his pocket while on stage, because he really thinks you should buy it. Actually, he doesn't think you should buy it. He thinks it is your
Beck spends the entire show establishing an "Us vs. Them" vibe. "They" are brought up throughout the show- sometimes as Congress, sometimes as politicians or pedophile schoolteachers or Californians or artists. It doesn't seem to matter.
Things could always be much, much worse.
You've probably never heard of it.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.