"I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn

¹. Why It Doesn't Work: You weren't hired for your awesome fighting skills, nor for your superb acting skills. You were hired to bang a chick on camera. You're not Sly, you're not Arnold... hell, you're barely Van Damme. Leave the action sequences to the professionals and start boning already. Also, if you're pretending that garter snakes are venomous python-sized monsters that drop out of trees to attack poor, defenseless Hungarian porn stars, then why in the name of God would you want to WRESTLE one? Furthermore, do snake experts typically advocate the use of elbow drops when dealing with venomous python-sized monsters? I think not. And while I'm at it, why in the name of God is this foreign exchange student from Hungary studying English by aimlessly wandering around in a Los Angeles backyard? Is this supposed to be some sort of specialized immersion program where students live with (and get boned by) their professors, and if so, where can I sign up to "teach"? ¹ For the uninitiated, this clip was featured in the Daily Nooner "Nobody Ever Said Being A Porn Star Was Going To Be Easy."

Why It Doesn't Work: The vast majority of of all pornos begin and end on private property. Know why? Because it's legal to have sex there. Starting a scene off in a public park might seem like a good idea on paper, but as a porn director you need to do some preparation: Can you get permits to film people fucking in the middle of a park? (No.) How are you going to get them from the park (where they can't have sex) to a couch (where they can)? If your answer is "They'll hit him in the head with a frisbee, drag his unconscious body to a house, and then fuck him to make sure he doesn't press charges," then congratulations: You have what it takes to be a porn director. Are you familiar with Occam's Razor ? Well it applies to porn, too, and the simplest plot is probably the best one. That being said, if it takes more than a sentence or two to explain why a threesome is about to happen IN A PORNOGRAPHIC FILM then, well, you're probably doing something wrong - doubly so if that explanation involves lawsuits and disposing of a corpse. (Unless you're into that sort of thing.)

The Scenario: A guy sets an unbelievably complicated trap to ensare his "hot" older neighbor involving a fake break-up, Visine, and some Oscar-worthy method acting skills. Why It Doesn't Work: Because they aren't actors. They also aren't skilled improv professionals, and yet here they are, working without a script and clumsily inching toward a boning session with no clue as to how they're actually going to get there. Who is the brunette, and why is she so mad at this guy? If she's so mad, then why is she willing to help him get laid? What's all that stuff about the bills at the beginning? What does that have to do with boning?! None of this makes sense. The nature of pornography dictates that the people in it have to screw. That's the name of the game. And while I understand that the actors might not be boning right when the camera starts rolling, and that this will inevitably require a segue of some sort to take them from "Not Boning" to "Boning," here's an idea: Why not start the camera after they're already boning? Or, you know, just edit out all the stuff that isn't boning? Oh - but leave in the part where he's like "I RULE!" at the end. That and the cartwheels. In fact, make all pornos end that way from now on. Fuck it - I'm moving to the San Fernando Valley.