You're going to sleep with the fishes. Or with me and Tony.
There was no way I could scrounge the necessary cash together on my own, especially with my crippling addiction to South American pornography siphoning away my cash like glue fumes down a Midwest teen's airway. However, I had been dabbling in the dark arts in my spare time, and the thought occurred to me that I could produce Hollywood's ultimate weapon -- a soulless abomination of a homunculus, a creature born of no emotion or passion, only purpose. The purpose to make forgettable films. To achieve grandiose box office gross while at the same time making audiences inexplicably uncomfortable. They would watch, enthralled by the lack of humanity but not understanding what it was that was so off-putting to them. And they would pay to see it again and again. It was beautiful in its diabolicalness, which seems too awkward to be a word. It was diabaliful.
I created Kristen Stewart.
Having never animated clay before, I wasn't sure how to go about making my homunculus. Fortunately, my old college roommate Gladstone is Jewish and, as was my understanding, privy to the secret Jewish art of golem-making. When I asked him he said no, so I ether-ragged his ass and stole his Jewish handbook. That'll be the end of references to him.
Turns out making a golem involves a lot of work and some piousness, none of which I was ready to commit to. So my shadow of God's creation became a shadow of a shadow. I tattooed "emet" on her head, fed her some instructions to act and make money and busted out the Manischewitz. I needed a reasonable visage, so I opted for a sleepy, unassuming girl who looks mildly annoyed by everything, all the time. She'd blend right in at every mall on Earth. When I woke up, she was gone, I was hung over and I had about 16 hours left to live and/or not taste mob wiener.
The minutes ticked by like days as I searched for my creation. All I needed to do was get it to American Idol or some other terrible program and she'd be in like a dirty shirt. I just had to find the damn thing first. Apparently, when making a golem, you need to give it explicit instructions or else, well, you saw what happened.