Friends, Fellow Bloggers, and Cracked.com Editor Extraordinaire Jack OâBrien- I owe you all an apology. Maybe it was the remarkable amount of Mabisms
that kept showing up week
Or maybe it was the fact that, because the Cracked Commenting Community was so relentless and shameless with their graphic pursuit of destroying Hannah Montanaâs Biography, Daniel Terhorst, (co-founder of Biographicon
), actually contacted us to let us know that he compromised his intentions and locked both Hannah and Miley Cyrusâs Biographicon pages.
Maybe I realized that this whole thing was bigger than me, too
big for me to control. Maybe itâs because, deep down, I have a heart after all.
Whatever the reason, you may have noticed that Iâve slowed down in my Anti-Hannah Propaganda as of late. While I was passionate
and, perhaps, even obsessive
at the beginning, my focus in the recent weeks has shifted to simpler, gentler things like spousal abuse
What can I say? It was a moment of weakness.
While I was taking a few weeks off and reflecting on the possible consequences of systematically destroying a fifteen year old both professionally and emotionally, the fifteen year old in question was certainly
resting. If I had to guess, Iâd say she was sitting on her recently polished throne of orphan skulls, hissing and wondering what she could possibly do that would piss me off the most.
Well, let me be the first to say, mission accomplished, you puppy-eating thunder bitch.
Recently, the director and star of the hit break-dancing drama/emotional rollercoaster Step Up 2: The Streets
posted a youtube video wherein they challenged that bitch who plays Hannah Montana to an âonline dance competition.â That, in and of itself, isnât really offensive to me in anyway. I mean, donât get me wrong, itâs totally fucking retarded, but does it bother me? Not particularly, no.
Hannah MonSnakeMonster decided to
answer the challenge
by posting a video featuring her and her dance crew doing some impressive moves. The name of that dance crew?
The M&M Cru.
You know another âcrewâ that carried the nickname âM&M,â you raging serpent? My fucking street-vigilante duo.
Dedicated followers of the blog will remember that, before we were bloggers, Gladstone and I
worked as costumed street-vigilantes
in Rhode Island, dubbed âM&Mâ by the media, because of our names, (I was âMachete,â Gladstone was âMace.â Guess what weapons we used to fight crime?). If you want to do a bunch of crappy cartwheels and back flips to win some stupid loser dance competition for fatheads, go ahead and do it, Miley, no one gives a shit. But did you really
think I wouldnât notice that you stole our name for your giant-mouthed dance team? Really?!
No. You knew
Iâd find out, Miley. You wanted
me to see this, but why? Is it because youâre a huge bitch?
M&M stood for candy when we came across it, Miley, and now it stands for Justice, (Justice that, incidentally, also
melts in your mouth, not in your hands). That title commands respect,
respect that we earned
when we worked tirelessly to rid Providence of the violent and merciless Checnyan Mob. Do you really want to shit all over our name? Because thatâs what youâre doing. Youâre taking a Texas-sized elephant shit all over the name that Gladstone and I spent three years (on and off) building up. And for what? For a stupid dance challenge that you don't even stand a chance of winning? (Seriously, you don't. That motherfucker who played Moose is, like, the Daniel O'Brien of underground street break-dancing.)
I never should have let my guard down. The
I stop posting about you, you pull a stunt like this. Ruining
my good name for absolutely no reason. What have I ever done to you?
This situation does,
however, bring up an interesting opportunity. As long as you're answering challenges that people post on the internet, Montana, why not mine?
I, Daniel "Machete" O'Brien, The Archbishop of Hip Hop, The [Mostly] White Dolemite, hereby officially challenge you, Hannah "Snakemonster" Montana, to a Bare-Knuckle Boxing match. We can meet wherever you'd like at whatever time you'd like. No referees. No cameras. Just you and me, Hannah Montana.
If you'd rather have a rumble, you are more than welcome to bring your moron loser dance crew for jerks, provided I can bring Mace out of retirement. I just think we should settle this, Montana.
In the rain, like they did in Step Up 2: The Streets
Maybe surrounded by a ring of fire, if we can make that happen. I don't know if we'll be able to with the rain, but I'd like that if we can get it.
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