Well folks, the Academy Award Nominations were announced yesterday, which means now is the perfect time to start writing the screenplay that will guarantee you a spot in next year's ceremony. Despite what you might have heard, writing an Oscar-worthy movie is actually one of the simplest things in the world, (just ask Diablo Cody!). There's a lesson to be learned from every single Best Picture Nominee, and if you don't pay attention, you're pathetic.
One of the most frustrating things about the Nixon Presidency, (apart from the entire presidency, in general), was that, once he resigned, Nixon was immediately pardoned. He never stood trial, he never had to answer for his crimes against the American people and he never faced any jail time.
Richard Nixon Goes to PrisonNIXON, looking old and shitty in his stupid, gay prison jumpsuit surveys the cafeteria with TRENT, a tougher and more experienced inmate. Trent is "showing Nixon the ropes."
So, you'll have the top bunk, but we can switch if that gets too annoying. I think you're on laundry duty your first month, which isn't bad, it's much better than latrine duty. Latrine duty is probably the worst thing about being in prison.
NIXON (Suspicious, and fat.) Really? That's the worst part.
TRENT (Thinking.) Mmm... Yeah... Yeah, I think so, that's really it.
NIXON No...No surprises, nothing else?
TRENT No, nothing's coming to mind. It's all pretty straightforward.
NIXON (Smiling like a shithead.) What a relief. See, I'd heard all these rumors about sodomy, and I-TRENT smacks his forehead in the realization.
TRENT Right! The sodomy, how could I forget? Yeah, that- that- is definitely the worst part by, like, a million. Can't believe I didn't mention that. Total mind-fart. One of those days, you know? But yes, the sodomy is pretty aggressive and nightmarish, they don't really mess around here.NIXON slips on a banana peel and his pants fall down.
DAN O'BRIEN (On a motorcycle.) You have AIDS.
Milk succeeded because they tapped into the pulse of America. They set their story in the fictional land of "San Fran Sisco" and used a bunch of timeless, recognizable stock characters to discuss and investigate a subject that's on a lot of American's minds, (gay marriage, gay rights, gay dairy etc), and knocked it out of the park. Really, if you can hack into the zeitgeist, you're basically a lock for Best Picture. Your challenge is trying to guess what Americans are going to be concerned about by next Oscar season. Will 2009 bring a greater depression? A technological leap forward? A zombie apocalypse? To cater to this problem, write a script that has several options written in. It's sort of like one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books, except it's exactly like one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. Sample Scene: STEVE EVERYMAN walks into his house/laboratory/the desert wasteland that is typical of a zombie apocalypse. He wears a t-shirt/is doing science/is totally sick of the zombies. A LADY/CYBORG walks/hovers up beside him.
LADY/CYBORG Good morning, Steve. How are you?
STEVE EVERYMAN Not too bad. I sure A) Wish I wasn't so poor. B) Am glad we invented that device that grants cats the ability to speak. C) Hope I don't run into zombies today.
LADY/CYBORG Oh, Steve, A) Cheer up; we'll land on our feet, we always do. B) The Cat Prime Minister would like a word with you. C) You probably will run into zombies and they'll want to eat your brains. I'm a zombie.
STEVE EVERYMAN Boy, I sure am touching on some issues that resonate with modern Americans when I say A) I sold one of our kids to buy gas money. B) Our new Cat Overlords are cruel and oppressive. C) Holy Fucking Shit Zombies!
By August, you should know which one of your scenarios is the hot button issue. Round up some actors, tell them which version of the script you'll be shooting, and buy some solid gold condoms, because, brother, you're about to fuck the Oscars.
Your plot is irrelevant. Just pretend to be the heartwarming, underexposed "Little Guy" by having super-rich production company Fox Searchlight spend millions upon millions of dollars on a brilliant yet spurious campaign that somehow convinces everyone in America that you're some kind of small, humble, "Little Film That Could." Seriously. Is it weird to anyone else that the last three little-film-that-could, underdog, pseudo-indie films "that beat the odds," (
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
TCCoBB succeeded in that they took a typical tale about love and mortality and twisted it, by focusing on a man who ages in reverse. The lesson to learn here is "The Twist," (in France, 'Le Twiste'). If you want your screenplay to succeed why not take the exact same story that Benjamin Button used, but put a twist on it: Make it about a man who ages in reverse,
The Astounding Account of Dr. Pants
CATE BLANCHETTY-TYPE CHICK Why, Dr. Pants, do you look so forlorn, here in New Orleans, or whatever?
PANTS (The sadness weighs his words down.) Today...today is...my birthday.
CATE BLANCHETTY-TYPE CHICK Oh, Pants, that's nothing to get so down in the cheeks, for. You're just a year older, yes?
PANTS Yes...Yes, a year older this year. Same as last year. (His eyes widen with horror.) Same as every year.DR. PANTS bursts into the tears of a man doomed to live his live in forward forever, (until he dies at a statistically average age). He sobs into his hands for several seconds and then CATE BLANCHETTY-TYPE CHICK's top falls off. SEXY TV REPAIR MAN DAN O'BRIEN bursts into the room and throws a pie at her.
Full Disclosure: I did not see The Reader. I did, however, read a fairly thorough plot synopsis, which I think makes me more than qualified to give advice on the subject. As I understand it, The Reader is about a collection of security droids that malfunction and go on a murderous killing spree in a mall one night. It's not hard to see why this film got nominated: The Academy loves robots. Whether it's a couple of harmless, kooky droids used as comic relief, as in Star Wars, (Best Picture Nominee, 1977), or a cold and unfeeling killing machine, as in Rain Man, (Best Picture Winner, 1988), including a robot in your script is a one-way ticket to Oscar-ville. I'm certainly not the first person to notice this, (as evident by the amount of robot movies that get made every year), so the trick is to make your robot movie stand out from the crowd. What makes
***So there you have it. A complete guide to writing a hit Oscar flick that positively cannot fail. If it does fail, fear not- there is a back up plan. All you need to do is combine any two of the movies mentioned, no one will know or care. Really, the big Oscar secret is that, if you combine any two movies that have enjoyed any degree of success, you will have a guaranteed hit on your hands. (If you think about it,
Things could always be much, much worse.
You've probably never heard of it.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.