definitely said something that implied there was a SWAT team close by to protect the intellectual copyrights of his karate tape. I think Tony sent the National Guard into his apartment complex that night to rape everyone within earshot of his balcony, and anybody who knew how to prevent it got arrested for stealing classified information. And you know what happens to people like that in prison! Well, not them, I guess. The whole tape is like that. Tony never teaches anything for more than 10 seconds before getting sidetracked by his own gritty and vivid imagination. At one point he loses track of where he is because he starts ranting about all those damn guys who sign up for rape prevention classes just to prove how they don't work. What? Has that ever happened? And if it has, wouldn't that have been the most famous headline in history? Tony Blauer and 14 Women Raped by Overzealous Martial Arts Demonstrator at Rape Prevention Class. The Approach by Eddie Quinn The Approach has its own theme song, which is mostly about two things: 1) how much of a pussy you are and 2) what The Approach does to pussies. The Approach recorded it by wiring an electric guitar to a heavy smoker's dong and then torturing them both. As we've seen, all martial artists fend off imagined attacks differently. Scott Rogers stops an attacker by striking four separate nerve clusters simultaneously. Tony Blauer would take what he knows about Eastern martial arts, remember a story about a kung fu fighter who was raped and tell it to his attacker before hearing a car and announcing that it must be the secret, mobile headquarters of his enemy, Professor Crime. And now we have Eddie Quinn and The APPROOOOOOOOACH!!! Listen to the theme song and watch the intro. It's the APPROOOOOOOOACH!!! The Approach seems strangely practical for a self defense technique. It seems to know that my attacker won't always move in slow motion after a cute skit. It also seems to know that when a punch is coming in, I won't have time to block with both hands while applying joint locks with my feet. The Appro(ooooooo)ach sort of looks like an ape learning to swim, using your head instead of water. I haven't seen such savage combat since a girl scout gave Chris Brown the wrong change. The Appro(ooo)ach seems to go by the basic rule of street fighting: If you're Chuck Lidell, carefully punch your opponent's jaw when they leave an opening. If for some reason you're not Chuck Lidell, tornado spaz with your arms before your opponent thinks of it. If an untrained caveman and a karate man meet during their travels through time, the caveman wins. Because he uses The Appro(oo)ach. I hate The Appro(o)ach. The appeal of non-competitive martial arts is that they exist in a world where ninjas might rappel out of a Blackhawk to interrupt you while you're training with nunchucks. Where every street corner has two muggers that drop their knives when you gently snap your foot into their tummy. The Approach has none of this. It's practically an instruction manual on how to effectively win a real confrontation! Without ass kick fantasies, most martial arts are just a shitty workout. An ass kick fantasy is when you imagine an unlikely situation, then solve it like Marvel comics would. For example, if you're on the way to the movies and you start picturing a guy talking behind you, and then you picture how you would climb over the seat to drive your thumbs into his eyes and knee his nose cartilage into his brain as your rippling muscles... they... NO! Your muscles! They're reknitting themselves into the form of a wolf!!! Not here! Not noooooooow!!! That's an ass kick fantasy. In the black community, you might have heard this phenomenon referred to as "wish-a-nigga-would." In the Burmese community, I think they call it "brunch." But whatever you want to call it, it's the inspiration behind every martial art.