3

They Likely Had WAY More Sex Than You As Teenagers

In 2013, 47 percent of high schoolers reported having had sex before. That's nearly half and since you have two parents, that means probably in high school at least one of your parents was getting or giving the D even if they got straight As. And that rate was actually an extreme low, down around 14 percent for girls and over 20 percent for boys from the 1980s. In 1988 60 percent of boys reported having sex and 51 percent of girls did, meaning one of your parents absolutely got boned after Geography one day. And sure, you've come to terms with the idea that your parents are sexual beings. Maybe you caught them in the shower misusing a loofa one day, it happens. But your brain didn't want you to consider the ramifications, did it? Your mind wasn't immediately thinking, "Shit, how long has this been going on? Since nine months before me, surely, but before then? Was there a time when my parents were my age or younger when my dad achieved a masterful, veiny erection and inserted it into my mother's vagina for recreational purposes? Good God, have they always been a couple or were they doing this with strangers before I was born? WHO HAS SEEN MY MOTHER'S LABIA??"

iStock/IPGGutenbergUKLtd
"Me!" "I did!" "Yeah, me too!" "So did I!" "Me and my cousins, at the same time!"

2

Their Dumbassery Would Likely Give Yours A Run For Its Money

There's a good chance everything your parents ever told you not to do was something they themselves did. And as an adult this makes a ton of sense -- you handled your youth with all the grace of a monkey on peyote so when you have kids of your own, you try to pass on what you learned. You once saw a buddy get drunk and fuck an ostrich; that's not the legacy you want for your family, so you raise your kids with sage advice like "never fuck an ostrich." Then one day the kid's 18 and you get a call from the cops saying they were picked up on charges of ostrich fuckery and aggravated bird buggery. It's the circle of life.

RyanMcGuire/Pixabay
Maybe they should stop being so sexy.

1

They've Definitely Picked A Favorite

If you're not an only child, there came a time in your life when you concluded you were probably better than your siblings and you needed confirmation of this so you asked your parents who their favorite was. Most parents probably hit up the classic "I love you all the same" line, because how could any parent ever pick favorites amongst their precious little spawn? Make no mistake, they were lying their asses off.

Your parents had a favorite. Of course they had a favorite. Who loves any two things the same? What does that even mean? That's a bullshit thing to say. Only a kid who never requires any justification could ever fall for that. You love tacos more than burgers. You love your Keds more than old bread bags tied at your ankles, and by God you love the kid who doesn't suck more than the kid who kind of sucks.

Pixabay/Pezibear
Or the kid you contemplate dropping off in the woods to fend for themselves for a few weeks.

If you recognize your brother is an asshole, chances are your parents did, too. Where do you think adult assholes even come from? Was there any chance Donald Trump's mother went to bed every night without once thinking, "the fuck happened here?" Now it doesn't mean your fuck-up brother isn't well loved. Your folks may love your fuck-up brother so much they'd die for him, no questions asked. But maybe they'd die for you and leave more to you in the will, too.

By the same token, you may one day have come to the realization that your parents probably questioned, out loud, to each other and to friends, if your head was actually lodged inside your own ass. Probably more than once. Anyone who has kids now or has friends with kids has very likely noticed the degree with which parents will, all lovingly of course, just trash talk the hell out of their kids when they do something dumb. And why not? You've probably called your best friend a shithead at some point in your life because they acted all shitheady; it's no different when it comes to kids.

The hardest thing to realize about parents is that, if they weren't your parents, they'd be you. They'd be your friend, your coworker, the asshole who cut you off on the way to Applebee's or the asshole who suggested you eat at Applebee's. They didn't know anything more than you do for the most part, but they probably spent most of your life duping you into thinking they did because that's the privilege of being a parent -- totally bullshitting your kids in the hopes they turn out mostly okay.

For more check out 5 Things No One Tells You About the First Year of Parenthood and 7 Things 'Good Parents' Do (That Screw Up Kids For Life).

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