"Yes I would like to go to the park and watch a pack of dingos tear apart people of your choosing!"__ Tips on Procurement. For exotics, a trip abroad is sadly your only real option. As a profession, zookeepers are surprisingly resistant to bribes and quick to cast judgment. Unless you possess greater charisma than I (you don't), or deeper pockets (more likely) I don't suggest you go down that route. Common domestic animals are much easier, and the usual sources apply: the SPCA, classified ads or Craigslist. Be sure to pick your animals up one at a time though. People seem to get a little hesitant when you pull up in a van with thirty cats already inside of it, and will ask lots of questions about your "crazy, darting eyes." Tips on Training First, I have to ask: do you have a special connection with animals that allows you to communicate with them telepathically? Because that will make things a lot easier. A relative with access to advanced mind control technology will also serve. Failing that, you're going to need only one thing: A Lot of Food. It's here where some basic cost-benefit analysis and return on investment calculations kick in. As you should be able to deduce, certain animals will be cheaper and easier to train in volume than others. Trying to train an army of jaguars will be all but impossible unless you're the scion of a powerful meat product family. For most of you I'd suggest for your first army to pick a fairly cheap animal to train. Given their ridiculously low standards for what they'll eat, dogs are probably the easiest choice for beginners. If you want something a little less conventional, try one of the larger rodents, like a porcupine or prairie dog. Once you've sacked the treasury of a small central American country or one of the Mid-Western states you can consider moving up to the more interesting animals. As for the training process itself, it's surprisingly simple: Show an animal how to do something. If they do it, feed them. If they don't, yell at them. This may involve some repetition.
A word regarding the classic motivation balance of the carrot or the stick: beating an animal with a carrot is largely ineffective.Other Tips: Odor control: Animals have a much more developed sense of smell than humans do, and consequently have developed incredibly complicated systems for determining whom to mate with and where to pee*. Although you'll be unable to detect most of these scents, you should have a basic understanding of how this works and it's importance, if only to make you feel better about the stench that will haunt your every waking hour. *German animals have been known to confuse these signals. Scat: Training an army of animals to use flush toilets will be prohibitively time consuming for all but the most dedicated animal-army-having enthusiasts. So for most of us, this becomes more a problem of residuals management, with the industry standard approach being, "don't stay in one place for very long." I'd also add that it's probably a good idea to wash your hands before doing basically anything. Final Thoughts: The road ahead of you is full of challenges and odors, and you'll require dedication and persistence to make it to the end. Print this off, keep it in your wallet and refer to it every time you find yourself having doubts.
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