Don't Move To Canada If Your Candidate Loses, Read This

Regardless of who wins this election, around half of the country is going to have to learn to live under the rule of someone they've vilified for the entire election cycle. (That's two and a half years, but with a RealFeel of untold centuries trapped in the Phantom Zone.) In order to help people from both sides, we've put together a few tips in case the other side wins.

Healthcare

Clinton: Continue life as normal. Under Hillary Clinton, our healthcare system is not likely to change wildly. Though the Affordable Care Act has been criticized on both sides of the aisle, a Clinton presidency would mean four more years of the same. Whether you're a Trump supporter who decries it as socialism or a Bernie supporter who decries it as not-socialism, it will remain the law of the land, so you might as well learn to live with it.

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Remember to register for healthcare during open enrollment. Unless you have a change in your job or marital status, failing to enroll by January 31, 2017 could leave you paying a fine for not having health insurance. If you don't have an employer subsidizing your insurance, go to healthcare.gov to find the most appropriate plan for you.

You may not like being forced to buy insurance, but under a Clinton presidency, the alternative will be fines you'll like even less!

Trump: Here is a video of how to disarm a typical anti-personnel mine:

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Alternately, you can use a long stick or a dog you don't like to detonate it from a distance.

Of course, with healthcare, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So be sure to also study how to deploy mines to keep roving gangs of deplorables away from the camp you've set up in what used to be the office of the Title IX Coordinator of what used to be a university.

In case you are injured, everyone will be on the same healthcare plan. That plan will be "dress wounds in the field and keep moving." If you do need serious medical attention, though, do not despair. A positive outlook is all the medical help you're going to get, so despairing would be a really bad idea.

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Finance And Economics

Clinton: Now is the time to divest from highly leveraged financial institutions engaging in high-risk trading. Clinton may not strictly adhere to her campaign promise of expanding Dodd-Frank. After all, she was paid at least $1.8 million for speeches delivered to big banks she'd supposedly regulate. That's not quite "the fox guarding the hen house," but it is "the woman whom the fox gave $1.8 million guarding the hen house."

But even if restrictions aren't tightened on the whole, politically easy targets like aggressive investment banks may feel the pinch.

Trump: Ultimately, man values but one currency, and that is blood. Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and reap the tears of their women. Also, diversify into foreign markets.

Pixabay Public Domain
Really, any ol' foreign market will do.

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International Relations

Clinton: Prepare for war. Both as a senator and as secretary of state, Clinton has been far more interventionist than most of her peers in the Democratic Party. She supported the war in Iraq, the troop surge, sending an aircraft carrier to the Yellow Sea as a show of force to North Korea and China, and aiding Syrian rebels. She's more hawkish than Obama, a president currently involved in three (declared) wars.

Trump: Prepare for war. Just not one we intentionally start. It also probably wouldn't hurt to learn some basic Russian.

Social Issues

Clinton: With as many as four Supreme Court seats in play over the next four years, a Clinton victory means the continued steady march of the country toward socially progressive ideals. Start practicing gender-neutral pronouns like "sie," "sim," and "hir," because in 20 years, saying "he" and "she" might make you the a bigoted old fogey from a bygone era. Gay marriage is here to stay, but people extrapolating from that to people marrying their pets or their families are insane.

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Trump: It is perfectly fine and legal to harass women and marry your daughter.

Climate Change

Clinton: Now is an excellent time to start shopping for solar panels. The Clinton campaign's assertion that climate change is man-made hopefully means she will incentivize renewable energy.

Trump: Now is an excellent time to figure out how to power appliances using nuclear fallout. The thermonuclear weapons that most certainly will cause vast environmental change will also be a potential source of renewable energy. Here's that landmine video again:

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HAPPY VOTING!

For more spot-on guides through inexplicably improbably scenarios check out The 4 Types of Bar: A Survival Guide and 8 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Strategies (For Zombies).

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