But even if restrictions aren't tightened on the whole, politically easy targets like aggressive investment banks may feel the pinch.
Trump: Ultimately, man values but one currency, and that is blood. Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and reap the tears of their women. Also, diversify into foreign markets.
Pixabay Public Domain
Really, any ol' foreign market will do.
Clinton: Prepare for war. Both as a senator and as secretary of state, Clinton has been far more interventionist than most of her peers in the Democratic Party. She supported the war in Iraq, the troop surge, sending an aircraft carrier to the Yellow Sea as a show of force to North Korea and China, and aiding Syrian rebels. She's more hawkish than Obama, a president currently involved in three (declared) wars.
Trump: Prepare for war. Just not one we intentionally start. It also probably wouldn't hurt to learn some basic Russian.
Clinton: With as many as four Supreme Court seats in play over the next four years, a Clinton victory means the continued steady march of the country toward socially progressive ideals. Start practicing gender-neutral pronouns like "sie," "sim," and "hir," because in 20 years, saying "he" and "she" might make you the a bigoted old fogey from a bygone era. Gay marriage is here to stay, but people extrapolating from that to people marrying their pets or their families are insane.
Trump: It is perfectly fine and legal to harass women and marry your daughter.
Clinton: Now is an excellent time to start shopping for solar panels. The Clinton campaign's assertion that climate change is man-made hopefully means she will incentivize renewable energy.
Trump: Now is an excellent time to figure out how to power appliances using nuclear fallout. The thermonuclear weapons that most certainly will cause vast environmental change will also be a potential source of renewable energy. Here's that landmine video again:
For more spot-on guides through inexplicably improbably scenarios check out The 4 Types of Bar: A Survival Guide and 8 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Strategies (For Zombies).
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to find out how not to get yourself killed like a dumbass in 4 Popular Zombie Survival Tactics (That Will Get You Killed) and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook. We got you, bro.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
There are gaps in the fictional universe that multiply from one film to the next.
- By Chris Pauls
- March 22, 2019
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
- By Seanbaby
- March 15, 2019
Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.
- By Daniel Dockery
- March 20, 2019
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.
- By Boone Ashworth
- March 14, 2019