And so the time came for me to swallow my pride and make a profile on a legitimate internet dating site. I first thought of eHarmony. Unfortunately, I'm an Atheist and I'm friends with at least one gay person, so upon visiting their website I received a mysterious phone call telling me to "Stop visiting our website and please go to Hell, where you will burn for all eternity because Jesus Jesus Jesus." OKCupid would have to do. I set up my profile and waited for the instant messages to come rolling in. They did.
At that point, I received a message from OKCupid demanding that I stop using their service forever. I responded with "More like OKStupid," and felt only slightly better about myself. It was time for my next move, and this was the move I had been dreading all day. I had exhausted all options but one. It was now time to dig into the dregs of the dregs of the dregs of the internet dating pool: Craigslist. From what I understood of Craigslist, the first thing I needed was a really classy dick pic. Fortunately, I already had one of those lying in wait and ready to pounce like an Ocelot that looked an awful lot like my classy, classy dick pic. But what should I say? A picture of my dick is worth a thousand words about my dick, but what about me? I want these swinks to pay attention to the man