Hello new college students! You're 17 or 18. You're a Cracked fan. You shouldn't be, we use a lot of adult language here, but I guess that's in the past now. You're an adult now, except for the legal drinking, and car rental privileges, and also understanding anything about how the world actually works. Really, you won't be much of an adult until you've known serious disappointment. Man, I can't wait to see the looks on you little shits' faces when you learn about things like payroll deductions and malaise and sweaters.
"Man, sweater vests." -sigh-But that's in the future! And you're all about the
It was after a disagreement about tipping etiquette.MH: Oh. OK, who should I be then? C: Whatever you want. MH: I don't know what I want to be. C: That's normal, and even ideal. You'll see a lot of kids your age working through this, experimenting with being skaters or stoners or girls gone wild or whatever. You don't have to pick anything right now, and really, you're probably ill-equipped to do so. Really ill-equipped. I'll give you an example. In my first year at college I became the guy who collected all the swords. MH: How did that happen? C: I walked by one of those sword shops and thought, "Why
C: And in fact, I had this haircut up until about 2003, which it turns out was about 10 years later than I should have. This didn't really do much for my social life, and may have explained why I was spending so much time hanging around sword shops, chatting with Sword Gord. MH: That's awful. C: No, that was just an honest mistake. What was awful was switching to the Rachel.
MH: Holy shit. C: It turned out that that style had also gone out of fashion by that point, and was also, problematically, mainly a cut for women. So when choosing your haircut, don't read an article in a six-year old Newsweek about a haircut and then ask for it sight unseen. MH: I'm still not too sure why I need a new haircut anyways. C: Because you're out in the real world now, trying to convince it to love you, and give you jobs, and, even possibly to give you love-jobs. So you'd do well to start paying attention to how the real world acts and behaves and grooms its hair.
C: And how you do that is by looking at the people around you. Find someone who looks like they know what they're doing. Someone draped in girls, or with a cool looking dog. Then, take their haircut. Don't actually "take it" take it. Scalping isn't cool, not currently at least.
A lot of mistakes led to the neck tattoo, although I was later able to afford getting the "Free Chandler" subtitle removed, allowing me to claim the rest was just an unfortunate birthmark.MH: All right, so I'm now a cool looking version of myself. This means I'm getting laid all the time now, right? C: The exact definition of "all the time" will vary significantly, but in general, yes, it is a general rule that men with men's haircuts will get more sex than with other types. MH: And I'm meeting these girls at parties and keggers and such. C: Yes! But on that subject, do you actually know how to party? MH: I think so. I mean I've had a few beers. C: That's not what I asked, but sure: alcohol makes you feel cooler than you are, which is a big part of looking cooler than you are, which is the first of three steps to meeting women. MH: And the other two ste... C: Conversation, and Boasts. MH: I see. C: Drinking helps with both of those as well, to a point. That point is ever-shifting, and situated on a very slippery gradient, but mapping it out is a big part of growing up, so you know, have fun with it. Just remember to not drive, or perform surgery, or talk to people on the bus - sober bus people
"HOOOOOOOOLLLLLLYYYYY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"MH: What? C: There is no chance that anyone will ever be pathetic enough to look back on their youth and think: "I'm glad I played all that
Throwing a snake is also, not coincidentally, an excellent way to "throw the snake."MH: I see. C: "Holy shit, I can't believe I threw that snake at that thing!" you'll say to your grandchildren one day. You'll get told off by your daughter-in-law for swearing, and because she's kind of shrewish. But that will be fine, because you're old and you've thrown some snakes - nothing she says can touch you. Do you see what I'm saying? MH: I think so. C: No you don't. But you will when you throw a snake. Or if someone throws a snake at you. It works both ways. And that's the last bit of advice: Hang out with the snake-throwers. That's where life is happening. MH: Yeah? C: Some death happening too. Not gonna lie. I mean, fuck, right? They are snakes. _____________________ Check out more articles that your teachers would probably prefer you didn't read at out Back to School Hub.