When Discussing Your Plans:Wrong: "Can we move this along, Officer? I have to pick up your sister in time for the underage rape party." Right: "Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law; You sister and the underage rape party can wait."
When Handing Over Your Information:
When Saying Goodbye:Wrong: "Thanks for the ticket, a*****e, your mother would be real proud if she wasn't already dead and I wasn't about to have sex with her corpse." Right: "Thank you for the ticket, Officer, I understand that you're just doing your job. I'll tell your mother's corpse all about you while we fornicate later tonight, and again on your birthday."
Never make a cop nervous.Instead, when pulled over, remain absolutely still. No waving, no fireworks, don't even say a word. Cops, as a rule, cannot see you if you don't move. This in conjunction with their short attention spans means that, if you stay motionless, any cop will get bored and leave you alone after a few minutes. They may nudge and paw at you for a while, perhaps even inspect the contents of your automobile or picnic basket, (to check for narcotics or snacks, respectively), but they will eventually lose interest and scamper back into the woods.
So, if you get pulled over, discreetly reach into your glove compartment, pull out the jar of Cop Urine that you have stored there, and completely douse yourself with it. This will inform your cop that you've been "marked," and he will not want to challenge the marker for dominance, (cops live by a very strict code). This is just one of the many reasons that you should always keep at least one jar of cop urine in your car at all times.
Always in my trunk.
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