Fake Tunnel Realification
Our nation's top word scientists are still checking to see if "realification" exists, but if it does, then it would essentially mean the process of something fake being made real, or nonunreal.
"Hang on, one at a time."
The available literature suggests that this is a big problem with fake tunnels. An unsuspecting target, presented with a fake tunnel, is very often capable of sprinting right through it instead of hilariously dying as one might hope and expect. Another major problem involves a real train emerging from a fake tunnel, running over the bewildered fellow who painted it. Both these cases would seem to be impossible -- though still thankfully hilarious -- which suggests that something else is going on here. And that thing is this:
If you actually paint a fake tunnel on a wall, you're an idiot that lives in a cartoon.
In fact, we all might be idiots who live in cartoons. This is essentially a variation of the Anthropic Principle, which suggests that the Universe is capable of supporting life because we -- life -- exist in it. Our adaptation of this theory, which I'm calling the Funthrophic Principle, suggests that if we live in a universe where beings are capable of understanding physical comedy to the degree that we'd even consider drawing tunnels on a wall, then some of those beings are necessarily doomed to be killed by the very same tunnels they just painted.
Which would suggest the universe has a whoopee-cushion-shaped topography.
It's inescapable, and the only reason we doubt it is that we just don't try to paint that many tunnels on walls. A safeguard which you're now apparently ignoring.
The actual scientific principle behind how the tunnel gets realified ...
"Yeah, we're checking the math here, and it's not looking good on that one either."
... is hard to determine. Maybe it's a belief that the tunnel is real which does it. Maybe it's quantum something. Or ... fucking nanobots. Whatever. The point is that by reading to the end of this column, you have admitted yourself into a universe guided by the Funthropic Principle, meaning you are now more or less guaranteed to be murdered by an anvil.
Sorry about that.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and always carries an umbrella, just in case of anvils. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw, is available right now! Holy shit! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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