Geoff mustered up what little strength he could, and with shaky hands that seemed to move of their own accord he slowly opened the door, mentally preparing himself to accept all of his worst fears come to lightâ¦.
â¦and that's when I hit him with the stun gun. Two stun guns, to be precise. I had hot-glued them to opposite ends of a bungee cord. I called them Taserchucks.
Taserchucks: The only weapon with absolutely no downside.
I couldn't be completely sure this was the man I wanted, but his decadent faux-tan orange was streaked with twin rivers belying recent tears, so it looked likely. I dragged him to the middle of the shed I'd been living in for the past couple of days (ever since I'd discovered a box of hot sauce packets they'd left out, which had since fermented and was now astoundingly alcoholic). Sure I had a home to go to, but thirsty hobos and roaming rat-kings were an ever-present threat, so I thought it prudent to bring my sleeping bag down while I worked on polishing it off. Yes, every orifice burned, and yes, I'm pretty sure my kidneys were blushing - but you know what they say about free booze: It's free. And booze.
Ah! The man's muscles were finally unseizing. He pulled himself up with some effort and glared at me savagely, his eyes burning with shock, rage, and grief. I returned his glare, with eyes burnt mostly from sauce-packet liquor fumes.
âFirst off,â I said, raising my hands in placation, âyour daughter's fine. That was just a prank I pulled to get you down here and listen to my pitch.â
âPitch?â He shook his head, trying to clear his mind from the Tase-chucking and pepper-gas.
âThat's right! I'm sorry. How rude of me; can I offer you a drink? I've got mild, medium, and fire,â I offered, generously squeezing sauce packets into my cupped hands for him.
Like this, but alcoholic and almost certainly poisonous.
âNo, Iâ¦youâ¦you son of a bitch! You son of a bitch, I'll kill you!â He started to rise up but I motioned for him to be calm. Well, it was less of a âmotionâ and more like a âsevere tasing,' but he was calm, regardless.
âYou can't go now! You haven't even heard my pitch yet! It's got everything: Love, loss, tears, titties, a motorcycle, eight ducks, a Zamboni driver, a ââ
âThis is about a movie? You think I'll greenlight your movie after you told me my daughter was beheaded by a garbage truck and then hit me a stun gun?â
âTaserchucks, actually. But yes, I do. Because you're a man that recognizes genius, and I'm a man that recognizes fear. Let me just jump right into itâ¦â
âThe year is 2013, and the world as we know it has ceased to exist. After the great oil wars of 2009, there arose the grand dynasty of the New Puritans, an evil empire which ruled with an iron fist for a thousand yearsâ¦â
âThat doesn't even work,â Geoff interrupted, âthe oil wars of 2009? There's like eight days left in 2009. Also, you said it was 2013, so how can a thousand years have pass-â
âI've a riddle for you: What's the sound of one hand, tasing?â
âSorry,â he said, lapsing into silence.
âThe New Puritans ran society into the ground by forcing everybody to wear pants and obey laws, and the world has become a desolate wasteland because they also used up all the water taking their stupid baths every other week.â