"You've got to take me back Beth. I've turned my whole life around and... Hold on, I can't hear you. Yes, I'm listening to you, I just can't hear you. It's my phone. Hang on while I adjust this. I said hang on! ARGH JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE DAMNED SECOND, FOUL HARPY!"
A Better Phone
By now, hackers have almost certainly cracked the 4G's security and are releasing updated firmware for the unit. By simply using this firmware, a better phone and some duct tape, you should be able to mount the other phone to your iPhone, tether the two, then use that phone's network access to make all your calls via Skype.
Hire a Child to Hand Deliver Messages
You know who has an iPhone now? Everyone. You know who gets children to hand deliver messages for them? No one. The last people to do it were the British rulers in 19th century India, and they seem like they had things pretty figured out.
"Dear Alice, today while strolling through the jungle, I realized I am an abominable monster."
In fact, the only potential downside to using children to ferry messages around for you is that you might start looking like a drug dealer, which, the more that I get into this sentence, I realize could actually be a pretty big problem.
A Strong Arm
This one's simple. Type in a text message, then throw your iPhone at the recipient. They read your observation, note down their reply ("lol wut") and throw it back.
If you want to place a call to someone, simply whisper your message in to the ear of the person standing closest to you. Assuming they're cool, they'll pass it on to the person standing next to them, and so on. Eventually your recipient gets the message, and stands there angry and not laughing, because some idiot along the way got the inflection of your joke all wrong,
and now your friend thinks you did horrible things to the corpse of his recently deceased pet, when really you were just kidding.
Break into Apple HQ, start shaking random Apple employees until they smarten up
This may be illegal, and the scientific literature reports inconclusive findings on whether intense agitation can increase intelligence. So bearing that in mind, we can only cautiously recommend this, and then only as a part of a regular fitness regime.
Recommended For Your Pleasure