Last week, the Apple iPhone 4G was released to the slathering crowds of white guys with glasses who comprise the Lunatic-Grade segment of Apple's user base. Initially the phone was greeted with great acclaim, however within hours of its release, rumors began to circulate around the Internet about problems with the phone's reception, specifically with the placement of the antenna. By holding the phone in certain ways, cellular reception suffered dramatically. Holding the phone in your hand, for example, seemed to be a problem. Because I've never missed the chance to take a drunken swing at Apple, upon hearing this news, I immediately donned my swinging pants and started drinking. Swinging Pants. Here then is a list of advice for how to correct you faulty iPhone 4G, assembled with the help of my tightest polyester pants--which although they may not possess the design flair the iPhone does, are measurably better at placing phone calls, if only because of the roll of quarters I keep in there at all times. __________ Change Your Grip By changing the way you hold your phone, you can uncover the antenna, a thin metal strip at the base of the phone, and improve your reception. Holding the phone with your left hand seems to cause the biggest reception problems, so try switching the phone to your right hand, grasping it lightly between your teeth or placing it between your breasts and shouting down your shirt during phone conversations. Scotch Tape By placing a thin buffer over the antenna, you can create enough of a gap between it and your meaty palm for valuable cellular gravitons to escape your sweaty clasp. Several blogs have reported that placing scotch tape over the antenna seems to do the trick, so you might want to give that a shot. Of course, whether you want to mar your beautiful new phone is up to you. Perhaps you could find a more stylish and attractive nationality of tape, like Italian tape?