Last week, the Apple iPhone 4G was released to the slathering crowds of white guys with glasses who comprise the Lunatic-Grade segment of Apple's user base. Initially the phone was greeted with great acclaim, however within hours of its release, rumors began to circulate around the Internet about problems with the phone's reception, specifically with the placement of the antenna. By holding the phone in certain ways, cellular reception suffered dramatically. Holding the phone in your hand, for example, seemed to be a problem. Because I've never missed the chance to take a drunken swing at Apple, upon hearing this news, I immediately donned my swinging pants and started drinking. Swinging Pants. Here then is a list of advice for how to correct you faulty iPhone 4G, assembled with the help of my tightest polyester pants--which although they may not possess the design flair the iPhone does, are measurably better at placing phone calls, if only because of the roll of quarters I keep in there at all times. __________ Change Your Grip By changing the way you hold your phone, you can uncover the antenna, a thin metal strip at the base of the phone, and improve your reception. Holding the phone with your left hand seems to cause the biggest reception problems, so try switching the phone to your right hand, grasping it lightly between your teeth or placing it between your breasts and shouting down your shirt during phone conversations. Scotch Tape By placing a thin buffer over the antenna, you can create enough of a gap between it and your meaty palm for valuable cellular gravitons to escape your sweaty clasp. Several blogs have reported that placing scotch tape over the antenna seems to do the trick, so you might want to give that a shot. Of course, whether you want to mar your beautiful new phone is up to you. Perhaps you could find a more stylish and attractive nationality of tape, like Italian tape? Carrying Case Carrying cases are those silicon and leather sleeves which fit over phones, and are used primarily by people who accidentally forget to not crack walnuts with their cell phones, or people who want to protect their phone's appearance by making it look horrible. Morons, basically. However, as with the Scotch Tape idea above, a carrying case can provide a gap wide enough for celluloidal transduction. If you don't want to spring for an expensive and unattractive carrying case, consider homemade solutions. After conducting some experiments with objects I found around the Cracked offices, I've determined that placing your phone in an extra thick "Ruff-Rider" condom seems to improve reception in all situations and locales, and depending on the specific locale, can be a great way to get phone numbers that you can call later, further improving the utility of your phone. Tin Foil Covering your phone in tin foil will probably be more aesthetically pleasing than using a carrying case, as well as trick people into thinking you're talking into a powerful sandwich. It will however drastically reduce your radio reception, and has no place on this list. We apologize for including it, and for including this apology, which has only just further wasted your time. Steel Bowl Purchase a simple steel mixing bowl from a kitchen supply store, or make one yourself using basic metallurgical principles. Then, using your iPhone as a template, cut a rectangular hole in the bottom of the bowl, and mount the iPhone so the base protrudes into the bowl an inch or so. You've now created a rudimentary parabolic dish, and provided that you always keep your phone and neck angled in the direction of the nearest cellular tower, all of your life's problems will be solved. "You've got to take me back Beth. I've turned my whole life around and... Hold on, I can't hear you. Yes, I'm listening to you, I just can't hear you. It's my phone. Hang on while I adjust this. I said hang on! ARGH JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE DAMNED SECOND, FOUL HARPY!" A Better Phone By now, hackers have almost certainly cracked the 4G's security and are releasing updated firmware for the unit. By simply using this firmware, a better phone and some duct tape, you should be able to mount the other phone to your iPhone, tether the two, then use that phone's network access to make all your calls via Skype. Hire a Child to Hand Deliver Messages You know who has an iPhone now? Everyone. You know who gets children to hand deliver messages for them? No one. The last people to do it were the British rulers in 19th century India, and they seem like they had things pretty figured out. "Dear Alice, today while strolling through the jungle, I realized I am an abominable monster." In fact, the only potential downside to using children to ferry messages around for you is that you might start looking like a drug dealer, which, the more that I get into this sentence, I realize could actually be a pretty big problem. A Strong Arm This one's simple. Type in a text message, then throw your iPhone at the recipient. They read your observation, note down their reply ("lol wut") and throw it back. Telephone If you want to place a call to someone, simply whisper your message in to the ear of the person standing closest to you. Assuming they're cool, they'll pass it on to the person standing next to them, and so on. Eventually your recipient gets the message, and stands there angry and not laughing, because some idiot along the way got the inflection of your joke all wrong, and now your friend thinks you did horrible things to the corpse of his recently deceased pet, when really you were just kidding. Break into Apple HQ, start shaking random Apple employees until they smarten up This may be illegal, and the scientific literature reports inconclusive findings on whether intense agitation can increase intelligence. So bearing that in mind, we can only cautiously recommend this, and then only as a part of a regular fitness regime. ____

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