He was unmoved.

I was starting to think that Simon just hadn't spent enough time around children to know how very annoying and sticky they are. It doesn't help that my sister has a toddler that is not only superhumanly adorable, but has never once cried in our presence, like she's trying to win a baby interview. This is not normal. I know that if we had a kid it would develop colic by the time it was a blastocyst. It wouldn't even need lungs. I'd just be walking around with screams echoing out of my vagina. He needed to know how bad it would be.

sunyaluk/iStockIt would be winning Ugliest Baby contests by the time of its first ultrasound.

I started off simple, by switching out his phone's alarm with the sound of a baby crying. Then I set it to go off 10 times a night. Unfortunately, he quickly learned to check before he went to bed. During the day, I made sure that all of our TVs and computers were playing non-stop marathons of Kate Plus 8 and that Duggar show. No matter where he turned, there were reminders of how crappy it would be to end up with enough children to repopulate Wyoming.

Once he started just muting the TV, I knew I had to go a step further. I laid out a line of candy from the street to our open front door and waited. All I needed to do was catch a kid or two and shut them in a room with Simon. It would be like reverse Stockholm Syndrome and he'd break after just a few hours of playing Duck, Duck, Goose and answering the question "why?" seven thousand times. But the children around here must be pretty smart, or still living off their stashes from Halloween, because I didn't get a single taker. I yelled "Look, I have found the Mr. Pikachu!" for an entire afternoon, because I thought that it would send kids in droves to the flypaper I had laid out on the patio. Still, no dice.

I know from reading MRA forums that women are masters of using sex as a weapon, so I thought I could use this to my advantage. I figured I would repeatedly seduce my husband and then refuse to sleep with him until he gets the snip. My therapist says this is "manipulation" and "a twisted power play" that could "destroy my marriage." You know what else will destroy my marriage? When I have a baby and am so sleep deprived that I start beating my husband with the 10th dirty diaper I changed that day.

kasjato/iStock"It was an accident officer. The avalanche just kind of happened."

I turned to history for inspiration. Women have come up with a lot of ways to seduce men over the years. I could wrap myself up in a carpet like Cleopatra and have myself delivered, but Simon would probably send that away because we don't actually need a very lumpy new carpet. Then there is the ever-popular fan dance, if I could find an ostrich farm and pluck their feathers before they kicked me to death. But I think I am going to go with the ultimate slutty success story. In the 500s, a prostitute named Theodora managed to get the emperor of Byzantium to fall in love with and marry her. She supposedly did this by performing an erotic number based on the story of Leda and the Swan, where Zeus transforms himself into the bird and has sex with Leda. Theodora's take on this was to get a goose to peck grain from her love taco. I have no idea why this would be sexy, but who am I to argue with history?

Just in case, I added a few more geese, in order to up the sexiness factor. It didn't work. Now the house is covered in crap and other than the birds, absolutely no one feels like getting it on. And watching birds try to screw makes for remarkably ineffective porn for normal humans.

The medical profession in this country has a lot to answer for. It turns out that my knives weren't placed with surgical precision and we had a bit of an accident. Nothing that a few stitches won't fix. While it's all numb down there anyway, I asked the doctor if he couldn't just go in and fix my husband on the sly.

targovcom/iStockAnd maybe you could paint it green, just to freak him out a little?

He started screaming things about malpractice so I tried slipping him some money but the change fell all over the floor. Then I asked to speak to a lady doctor, figuring she would understand my plight better. Instead, they made me go wait in the car.