You once delivered a Valentine’s Day gift with a helicopter and a modified horse-harness.
A. You’re reading this on a gas-powered computer by lamplight.
B. You can watch Lexus commercials where people put bows on new cars and park them in front of their date’s house without saying “oh yeah, right, sure, good.”
A. You consider love more precious than any earthly possession.
B. You consider every day Valentine’s Day, in the sense that you use money to get sex all the time.
If you selected mostly A’s, then a mixed congratulations is in order! This is the perfect guide for you, and you’ve probably eaten out of a dumpster for non-dare related reasons in the last month.
If you selected mostly B’s, I’m sorry. You and your virile stock portfolio should look elsewhere for sex. May I suggest any bar, coffee shop or Internet dating website in the world?
My Patented System
Many so-called “love gurus” will try and tell you that the secret to finding lasting happiness in your relationship is communication and mutual respect and admiration. These people are lying to you, all in order to line the pockets of the greeting card corporations that sponsor them.
Think about it: Who is the world’s most admirable person? Most would agree Marie Curie. And who is known as an impressive and powerful communicator? Adolf Hitler. Yet their brief romance in 1928 ended in tragedy, heartbreak and the devising of a powerful Nazi super-weapon.
The true index of a relationship’s stability is a healthy flow of money and gifts, which I will collectively abbreviate as “love” for the remainder of this guide. But what if a sagging economy has deprived you of most, or all of your “love,” or even the stockpiles of mild affection you had squirreled away in offshore accounts? Then you’ve got to focus on a big, showy expression of your devotion once a year, and that annual bank transaction is fast approaching.
But don’t panic. By thinking creatively, and practicing what I call “lossless replacement,” you can wow your date without having to then sell their organs to pay rent.
Simply take a traditional Valentine’s Day date scenario (for example, a candlelit dinner at a French restaurant) and replace it with a more cost-effective, but equally romantic substitute (for example, a handful of complimentary mints and some road flares).
This will give your date the impression of an adventurous, thoughtful Valentine’s Day experience while simultaneously projecting an air of craftiness, resourcefulness and financial prudence.
Here are some more examples to get you started: