The entire matrix is about 52,000 pages long, although half of that is just the same thing written in French. I won't print the whole thing, but here is a small sample:
Between 20 years and 65 years
DECISION-P7985: Set Bone, Install Cast OR Soft cast, 2 Tylenol
Older than 65 years
DECISION-L3267: Walk it off, 2 Tylenol
Older than 65 years
DECISION-A3779: Throw over town walls to the ice leopards.
H1N1 Virus, "Swine Flu"
DECISION-V1243: Public Health Override directive E76 - Cast into ice volcano.
I should point out this is the "simple" form of the matrix, and not what is actually used by the DoL. In the 1960s, the Supreme Court of Canada decided it was acceptable for the decision matrix to be biased to favor certain desirable social traits, much like the tax code. People with dependent children can thus expect to receive slightly better medical treatment, and people who smoke can expect the opposite. Other criteria deemed to be a positive benefit to society, and thus to receive better health care, include having some university education, voting regularly or owning a thesaurus. Negative criteria include having overdue video rentals, making excessive purchases of light beer or having an interest in wrestling.
As children are the workers of tomorrow, a great deal of care is lavished upon the young; infants in particular. Mandatory vaccinations are delivered weekly to all infants starting at the age of one month, with additional vaccinations provided to infants with particularly desirable genetic traits. Similarly, infants are also tested to see which are at risk of developing particularly expensive medical problems later in life. Contrary to popular belief, these infants are not euthanized, and are instead cared for warmly and compassionately by trained nurses in specially outfitted shipping containers while they're on the way to Burma, at which point they're legally no longer Canadians.
Some Canadians, primarily those who come from the families of merchants, do seek out health care on the black market. It's widely rumored that in the underground, joint replacements can be had in exchange for two or three cartons of Marlboro cigarettes or a pair of Levi's. The government has naturally tried to discourage these insidious flare-ups of two-tiered health care. Nightly newscasts by the Canadian Department of Facts regularly point out that black market health care facilities are poorly maintained, and their workers are faceless monsters who feed on the flesh of the living.
All of the above is common knowledge however - something anyone can learn by opening the Wikipedia page on Canada and reading between the lines. To dig a little deeper then, and get the straight journalistic dope that Cracked readers desperately crave, I also spoke to local Licensed Health Distributor, Doctor Neil Channing. The interview transcript is below.
Chris Bucholz: All right, the recorder is running. This is Chris Bucholz, Government Journalist ID A26732243, Registered Satirist number 58008. The date is August 8th, 2009. With me is Doctor Neil Channing of Health Distribution Centre PYR-27. Shall we?
Neil Channing: Let's.
CB: We hail the glorious government of Canada. We hail its far seeing leaders who stand vigilant against our numerous enemies.
NC: Death to the bourgeois, may the Canadian people be forever free from their nine tentacles of deception.
CB: Kadosh! -pounds fist into hand-
NC: Kadosh! -pounds fist into hand-
CB: OK then. Doctor Channing, I'm glad you could make time for me.
NC: No problem.
CB: The reason we're talking today is I wanted to get an idea from you what challenges you face, as a practitioner of medicine in a country where the government provides basic health insurance for all citizens.
NC: -louder, speaking into microphone- I face no challenges at all, Chris. The system works perfectly.
CB: Thank you for your time.
As you can see, the Canadian health care system is the pinnacle of human achievement. With the measures and processes in place, costs are kept under control, average life expectancy is steadily creeping towards 120 and the first generation of flying infants are expected to be born in 2085.
Hail, hail Canada!
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