But of course, Most Holy Father, you have something HitchBOT didn't have: a pearly white Mercedes Benz fortress made of bulletproof glass. Hey, I think it's great that you're bringing the Popemobile to Philly with you; just be sure to keep your eye on it. I say this because vehicles visiting Philly have a habit of disappearing. One of my favorite bands had their van and all their equipment stolen right out from under their noses. Now that I mention it, for some reason, vans seem to get stolen all the time in Philadelphia. And the Popemobile is way cooler than any van, so just don't get too attached to your sweet ride, is all I'm trying to say.
Or at least attach some machine guns or napalm launchers or something.
At this point, Father Made Entirely Of Holy, you may be saying to yourself, "Erik, dude, I'm the Pope! Surely, that title is one the people of Philadelphia will respect!" And maybe you're right, Most Sovereign Pontiff. Maybe I'm not cutting my fellow Philadelphians enough slack. But you know what another highly respected title all over the world is? Santa Claus, that's what. Like you, he's all about charity and making people happy while wearing cool robes and funny hats. But do you know how we repaid him? We booed him and pelted him with snowballs, because we could.
"Keep your good cheer OUTTA MY CITY!"
It may seem like I'm telling you to just completely avoid Philly this September, and let me just say that nothing could be further from the truth. There is a lot to see and do our city, and I hope you get to experience it all. From our really old, busted-up bell to our famed statue of Sylvester Stallone, you're in for a real treat when you get here. But staying in Philly and visiting Philly are two different things, and I'm pretty sure I've done a commendable job of dissuading you from parking yourself anywhere in Philly during your visit, Most Esteemed Successor of Peter the Apostle.
With that in mind, allow me to extend the old olive branch and welcome you into my home! I already cleared it with the wife, so it's totally cool for you to crash here! See, I'm in what you could call a "Philly Safe Zone," just on the outskirts. I'm far enough away from those scary red zones on the map, but close enough that you're just a hop, skip, and a jump from city activities like boxing training and those sandwiches we're famous for. In addition to hanging with a self-described "totally rad dude," here are the amenities you can look forward to when you're staying at Chateau Germ:
As you can see, I'm fully equipped to house you for the weekend, and you may even decide that you love it here and want to crash a few more days, which I'm fully on board with. I'm looking forward to hearing back from you so that we can plan what we'll marathon on Netflix. I'm thinking either Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt or House Of Cards if you haven't seen season three yet. Either way, I have a New Kids On the Block sleeping bag with your name all over it.
Sincerely Yours, Most Sanctified Father of Kings,
Erik Germ can be reached by the Pope or anyone else by following him on Twitter.
If the Pope hopes to survive Philadelphia, he should take notes from Bill Burr. See Burr destroy Philadelphia jackasses in The 10 Most Satisfying Cases Of Hecklers Getting Destroyed. If not, he may go the way of Pope Benedict and resign. In which case, he should read Luke McKinney's column on how best to Pope around on your last day. Check out The Pope's Last Day Of Work and feel the hilarity spirit flow through you.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to learn the origin of the Pope's crazy outfits in Stuff That Must've Happened: Why Popes Dress Like That, as well as watch other videos you won't see on the site!
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