You might have noticed that a months-old video from the NRA has recently resurfaced for an internet double-take. The video features conservative radio host Dana Loesch railing against protesters, Hollywood, the media, schools, and basically all of reality for being anti-Trump -- ending on the grit-teeth, puckered-butthole-air-hissing note of, and I quote, "the only way to save our country and our freedom is to fight this violence of lies with the clenched fist of truth." And since this is coming from the NRA, you can probably surmise what "clenched fist" is a stand-in for.
Look. I could go all day about how wrongheaded that video is, and how most political protestors have been peaceful, and how the NRA is clearly trying to whip both sides into a frenzy for the purposes of buying more guns. I could talk about how bad I feel for the people being targeted in this video, and the terrifying implications of the National Rifle Association claiming that schools are evil in a climate of spree shootings. But that's really depressing, so let's move onto another, still pretty depressing issue.
I want to talk about how bad this makes me feel for responsible gun owners, and the fact that their most famous advocacy group is a nutsack of partisan-goading led by a man most famously known for getting enslaved by talking monkeys. That's right, Charlton Heston. You made the mistake of bringing a gun to a Planet Of The Apes callback fight.
You see, despite having a lot of different opinions from gun advocates, I can't help but feel sympathy for their situation. Why? Because I'm a vegetarian. I haven't eaten meat since I was eight years old. I'm not going to explain why, because who gives a shit. But the reason I bring this up is that as a person who chooses not to eat meat, my kind is forced to carry this shit-bindle of insufferable, industrial-grade bull feces:
I can't begin to describe how much PETA irks my whimsical soul. By focusing their efforts on knee-jerk and divisive ads like this (and, you know, killing all those animals they claim to save), the group as managed to do nothing for their cause, if not actively inhibit it. Heck, the film Blackfish did more for killer whales than decades of PETA folk running naked through SeaWorld or whatever the hell. And yet it's their cheap-jack organization that's raking in those sweet donations.
Fuck PETA, is my general point here. But also, fuck the NRA for becoming the same goddamn thing as those outrage-hungry quacks. Both groups exist solely to lather the masses under the guise of special interests in order to sustain their wallets. And the same way those crunchy Holocaust-invoking hypocrites don't represent my choice to not eat meat, the incendiary shit-goblins at the NRA certainly don't represent all hunters or gun enthusiasts. And while I don't agree with some gun advocates, I don't expect them to have to apologize for the worst of their group. I do, however, hope that they will condemn the NRA for making them look like lunatics. Just as I condemn PETA for making animal rights activists, vegans, and vegetarians look like obscene jackalopes.
So let's all hold hands, sing "One Love," and agree to pluck the insufferable dickweeds from the discourse so the rest of us can have an adult conversation -- starting with the assholes who pretend to be our allies. Otherwise we'll be so busy destroying each other that we won't be able to stop animals from arming themselves and obliterating humanity -- though hey, maybe then PETA and the NRA would finally shut up.
Holla at ya boy Dave on his Twitter account.
Be sure to check out our new Cracked Podcast miniseries, "Looking The Part," in which Soren Bowie and Daniel O'Brien are dissecting pop-culture's greatest beards, scars and tattoos.
And to listen to Part III this Friday, subscribe to the Cracked Podcast feed on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel and check out Why The NRA Is Even Terrible For Gun-Owners - Cracked Explains, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook. Or don't, we'll still love you.
Change happens fast ... except when it doesn't.
There are entire, better movies hiding inside other movies.