I'm gonna need, like, thirty more spurs on my spur meter to kill this one.
To contrast this, here's my actual, non-joke opinion of real horses:
I Don't Care For The Story In Open-World Games, And It's My Fault
Open-world games offer a more naturalistic take on narrative than any other entertainment medium. Stories aren't always a straight shot from beginning to end, like nearly every Zelda game before Breath Of The Wild. Sometimes a story is an old guy going on a dementia adventure trying to make it to the bathroom from the living room. He meanders around, going on smaller adventures along the way, pissing in closets and on guest bedroom floors as he goes, before eventually making it to the toilet with an empty bladder.
Yes, a certain type of video game is exactly like the heartbreaking mental deterioration of an aging loved one.
Most serialized TV shows are the same way. Right now we're in the era of the long meandering story. The Marvel Cinematic Universe is telling one massive tale that wanders a little from its overall point with each individual movie. Game Of Thrones deviates from the plot all the time to show tits and bush before course-correcting to the plot about siblings fucking each other. When a story broadens its scope beyond a single two-hour movie or one 300-page book, narrative focus is the first thing thrown out. Video games weren't the first medium to embrace meandering plots, but they have the most fun with it.
When I Was A Kid
I stuck to a video game's narrative so much you'd think games actually told compelling stories. Side quests were shunned and collectables gathered dust while I gleefully raced passed the developer's suggestion that I waste my time with the 800 McGuffins they've sprinkled throughout the world to pad length, which is like saying you got a penis enlargement when all you did was tape a kielbasa to the tip of your dick. It wasn't out of video game snobbery; I just didn't care about anything else but the always-shitty story. No book or movie character stopped the flow of their narrative dead in its tracks so they could check an air vent for a glowing star. Speaking of which, fuck the stars in Super Mario 64 .
As An Adult
I couldn't tell you the plot of the Elder Scrolls games, any of the Saints Rows, or even one entry in the Grand Theft Auto series. I've grown so empathetic of the effort game creators put into the creation of their worlds that not getting lost in the details is an insult to their artistry. In doing so, I lose grip on the main quest's plot threads. As I write this, I've put 55 hours into Breath Of The Wild. The inciting incident (the part of a story that gets the narrative ball rolling) happened 50 hours ago. I haven't a fucking clue what it was, meaning I haven't a fucking clue what this game is about. Is it another Ganon thing? I don't remember, is he a person or a giant pig monster this time?
Alright, Nintendo. You win. I never would have guessed Smoke Pig.
Open-world games hand ultimate control of narrative flow over to the player. So this is entirely my fault. Some of the dozen people I know playing at the same time as me bought the game days after I did and have already beaten the game or are close to it. The game's story has more meaning and relevance to them. They're hitting the plot points one after another, not letting the story's emotion dangle for too long. Meanwhile, as the world is ending, I used a leaf to blow apples through two rocks I set up as goal posts.
Hyrule is fucked.
Didn't you read? Luis is currently shooting arrows up a cows ass. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and on Facebook.
For more check out 5 Dark Things You Learn About Yourself Playing Fallout 4 and 5 Awful Things You Learn About Yourself Playing Dishonored.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel and check out After Hours - What Your Favorite Video Game Says About You, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook. We'll love you forever.