From the late 1800s to the mid-1900s, if you were handed a map, it probably led to a dinosaur-infested apocalypse world. If an insane person offered to take you on a trip that he refused to give many details about, there was a 90 percent chance that you were probably going to meet a stegosaurus later that week. Got a canyon or a patch of grass behind your house that not many people go to? Dinosaurs, man. No question.
In The Valley Of Gwangi, cowboys literally rode horses until dinosaurs showed up ...,
Just another Tuesday.
... in Dinosaurus!, they were discovered after someone dug in the ocean ...,
I can't help but get the sneaking suspicion that we're making a giant mistake.
... in The Land That Time Forgot, taking an extra long submarine trip was the only thing separating man from primeval terror ...,
Orion Pictures Corporation
I can't stress to you enough how much dinosaur movies screwed with my idea of how anything worked.
... and in At The Earth's Core, a scientist built a huge drill and found a cave of monsters the first time he used it. On his test run, he progressed the field of paleontology by a million years, and he wasn't even trying to. He just wanted to move some rocks around. If you owned a shovel back then, you instantly became the most important man in the history of biology.
Sony Pictures Entertainment
Like, it helps if you have a giant screw-shaped tank. But it's absolutely not a requirement.
Hell, just lose the map if someone offers it to you. If you walk in a single direction for long enough, you'll meet a dinosaur at some point.
I get that it's important to pay attention in class and all that, but what chance does an education have when you place it in a battle to the death with movies that are solely about how easy it is to find real life versions of your dinosaur figurines? You can't reasonably expect me to have any kind of adequate mental and social development when I'm finding out that just walking into my backyard means that I'll be up to my nuts in Flintstone pets.
If I can pass down one piece of advice to Cracked readers, it's to live every day like you might meet a dinosaur.
Now that that's done, though, can someone hire me a tutor? I missed out on about twelve years of schooling while I was preparing to write this article, and I'd really like to learn more about this "basic math skills" thing that everyone seems to be so fond of.
Daniel has a blog.
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