These days, the biggest a UFC fighter can be is 265 pounds. Which means, by regulation, that horse breeders have to masturbate 35 pounds of semen from Brock Lesnar before an event. It's also why he spends the first minute of each fight asking the referee, "Who! Has taken Brock's boner!?" But for the first four years of the organization, there was no such thing as "weight classes." You could walk right into the cage weighing 410 goddamn pounds, like sumo wrestler Teila Tuli. That's the size of Brock Lesnar wearing a former horse breeder as a belt.
Teila was competing in the very first fight in the very first UFC, and no one really knew what to expect, but he somehow did exactly what everyone expected. He rushed straight in with slaps like an uninspired sumo sprite from a Sega Master System game. Teila did move pretty fast for being 410 pounds -- I'd say he charged at about the same speed as a 200-pound karate master walking backward and throwing counter-punches, which ended up being a terrible coincidence.
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