1. I was gone for six weeks.
2. John Hughes died.
3. I am now in possession of the original candles from Sixteen Candles.And to answer your questions before you've even thought of them: Yes, there will be a new episode of Cracked TV come Monday; yes, I brought you back presents; and yes, he struggled. My god, how he struggled. What? Your presents? Well, scroll down my ducklings, and feast your eyes on this fine Whitman's sampler-style assortment of sketches from the Genius Camp 2k9 project. But be careful, one of them is coconut.
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.
It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.