meets Lord of the Rings
," Chaz spat the words out faster than his mouth could handle them. He paused briefly to tap furious strokes into his stylishly oversized cellphone. When he punched the final key, Erika emitted a small, sharp gasp.
"Cast Kristen Stewart," Geoff frothed madly, "We'll get the fuckers coming and going!"
"Snow White, but instead of dwarfs they're kung fu warriors."
"You're retarded!" Geoff clapped happily.
"Retarded all the way to the bank," Chaz retorted, "Jack and the Beanstalk meets Cloverfield."
"I can't tell if you're still pitching or just having a stroke, but I am not calling EMS unless you seizure out three more ideas. GO!" Geoff put one knee onto his desk and began to grind against it, each syllable accentuated by a grunting thrust.
"Hansel and Gretel: Bounty Hunters."
"Haha, fuck you! I'm not even going to listen to the next pitch; that one skipped forward in time and murdered it."
The Wizard of Oz
, but Sucker Punch
." Chaz tossed the words out quickly, accepting their planned obsolescence.
"What was that? I didn't hear you."
"Girls ate this shit up, right? It really empowered them, having to strip for their freedom."
"A gritty reboot of Peter Pan," Chaz squeaked. His voice had been steadily becoming more strangled as he rifled out pitches. Now he fell silent, and simply writhed on the recliner audibly, each motion accompanied by the unique screech of Malaysian pygmy cotton grinding against fine Mediterranean eel leather.
"Oh. Oh no. Ohhhh, you lost me. And this desk is nowhere near satisfied," Geoff answered, looking shamefully down at his flaccid pants and frustrated office furniture. "There's been like a million of those already."
"Not like this there hasn't. We're going to flip it. Peter Pan's the villain. Think about it, Mac and Cheese: He abducts kids and takes them off to 'Neverland.' And the hero? Oh, it's just plain old Captain Hook. Plain old
Captain Luther Hook: A grizzled cop who plays by his own rules."
"There's not going to be any money left in the world," Geoff said, firmly engaged once again in tabular frottage. "You'll ruin the whole economy. You're fucking apocalyptic."
"Sirs," Erika spoke up hesitantly, "there's a problem."
"I swear to God, Erika," Geoff growled, "if you even think about telling me how it's 'cliched to reboot children's stories,' or how it's 'immoral to resex our most culturally significant tales,' I'm going to fire-fuck you into oblivion."
"... keep the glasses on. It helps me to not respect you."
"Of course not, sirs. It's ... ah, quite frankly I think it's brilliant," she stole a fluttering glance at the sweat-soaked Chaz, slipping about on his glistening fish-leather throne. "It's just that I've been Googling these properties as you've gone along, for Precognitive SEO Blitzkrieging, and I-- I don't know how to say this ..."
"Don't worry, Skittles, nobody hired you for your brevity. You take as many fake words as you need to say it in the most impressive way," Geoff consoled her.
"It's just that ... ah ... well, your Unique IP Encapsulations have been Advance Appropriated by Prior Brand Synergists."
"They've already been done?!" Chaz screeched and tried to wrestle himself upright, but finding no purchase on the him-glazed recliner, instead simply flailed in place.
"All of them?" Geoff's desk-engaged erection faltered, briefly resurged, but ultimately failed. "