And they definitely didn't skimp on the red. Red is the true color of Christmas, because it was the color of Santa's jacket, and because if you ever find yourself in a knife fight with a non-believer over whether or not Rudolph was a true story, there will be no trace that he ever leaked out.

Feeling satisfied by Family Dollar's efforts, I texted a picture of my Christmas erection to my wife. Strangely, she didn't reply. Oh well, on to the next store!

Get it together. I'm so mad right now that I ate the whole gingerbread cookie that I was holding, and I didn't have anything to wash it down. My throat hasn't felt this dry since the Clarence High School 20-year reunion, where I nervously asked Donna Bart to make out with me while my wife, Sarah, was getting something out of the car. For the record, Donna said no, which is fine because I totally wasn't going to do it anyway. I'm a good husband, and I just need to feel appreciated sometimes, Belk. It's like you don't even consider that other people have feelings.

I texted my wife a picture of my disappointed, flaccid penis and drove on.

But to find redemption, all I had to do was look up toward the heavens and gaze at the wonder that they had placed, halo-like, at the upper reaches of the store.

Daniel Dockery
We must pay tribute to the Lowe's deities: inner-tube bear and snow globe.

Resembling the gargoyles of Notre Dame, these inflatable titans cast their cruel gaze on everyone that just wants to "get what they came for." I don't normally promote intimidation. To influence any man, all you need is a good argument and a convincing portrait of the afterlife. But I'd be lying if I said that these lawn giants didn't make me want to rip my shirt off to reveal the North Pole-themed sweater underneath. The sweat that poured out of me was a sweat of intense respect.

And then I saw it ...

Daniel Dockery
"DON'T WORRY. BE HAPPY. DON'T WORRY. BE HAPPY."

Is there anything that represents the holiday season better than a six-foot mounted singing bass that billows on your property like Old Glory herself? I've cried three times since I plugged it in and set it on the other bed in my motel room, because it lets me know that, even in the darkest of times, you can count on Lowe's to improve not just your home but your spirit. I'm gonna text that to Sarah, along with a picture of my spiritually rejuvenated penis.

Target was also sold on the concept, because they put this dog everywhere. And what started off as a little butt sticking out of a package erupted into a parade of fantastical personification. Look at him shooting a rabbit and clothes out of some kind of cannon.

Daniel Dockery
It's important that, when a dog first walks on his hind legs, he learns how to operate weaponry.

Dogs can't do that in real life, I'm almost certain. But, like Frosty, Trigger The Target Dog has been brought to life and seems intent on trying out all of the holiday customs that we humans take for granted. Customs like assembling makeshift artillery meant to fire household items and small herbivores. Then he'll go back to being a regular dog, I imagine, since magic was invented by J.K. Rowling to get kids interested in having premarital, h**osexual relations. Magic will do nothing but disappoint and leave you, younglings.

He skied ...

Daniel Dockery
Mobility training is also important, to help you reach your targets.

... and he shot presents at a reindeer that had apparently been caught in a vulnerable position.

Daniel Dockery
After the lessons are finished, the hunt begins.

He defied the laws of gravity to go snowboarding ...

Daniel Dockery
This dog does not give a s**t about any secular "science."

... and he flew in an airplane!

Daniel Dockery
Fuck you, Snoopy!

Finally, I saw him riding in a creamy mug on a display that was meant to look like it had come out of the ceiling.

Daniel Dockery
Fuck you, Starbucks! Where are your red cups now?

I couldn't be more proud of how far Target had come from the simple red walls of eight minutes before. Slicing through the man-made constructs of the roof like the goddamn rapture, here was a dog enjoying a pet-sized gallon of hot cocoa. I caroled for half an hour before I was removed from the building. Not for caroling, but for taking pictures of my pride-swollen penis.

... I knew that I was right to pick your parking lot to nap in. Christmas is a thing that should be counted down to. Like doomsday, it should be feared as an inevitable climax. All those who didn't spread warmth or buy their loved ones gourmet cheese sets will feel the cold backhand of Christmas and know that they deserved it. "I repent! I repent!" they'll shout as the man in the sleigh ignores their roof, but all they'll be getting the next morning is heathen-brand despair.

I've never been to the big tree in New York PITY, but I imagine that this one is pretty close in terms of general majesty:

Daniel Dockery
The eyeliner section makes a fine stand-in for Rockefeller Center.

If I ever need a reminder that it's the most wonderful time of the year, I can just look back toward the front of the store and see Walmart's glorious tree. To not erect one in the middle of a business would be an affront on par with child molestation.

Everywhere I looked, Walmart had constant reminders that they were leading the charge in this war. And there was nothing subtle about it. They even used a military Santa to remind people that opposing our views is not an option. We will have our Christmas, no matter the cost.

Daniel Dockery
Ho Ho Ho-pen Carry.

I texted Sarah the above picture, along with a five-inch salute.

I don't usually give Big Lots much credit, because it looks like Kmart's afterbirth, but man, I was inspired. So without taking another step into the store, I drove back home, saved two of my singing bass plaques, and torched the house. The Ghost of Christmas Sarah will haunt me no longer.

Before I knew it, I was drunk from the adrenaline of battle -- and also from the cider brandy that I was still openly drinking. The assault was a masterful work of art. The coloration. The heart of darkness has opened its gates to me. I must sail into it.

Daniel Dockery

Daniel Dockery

Daniel Dockery
Olaf, is that you, ready to pounce from your Christmas foxhole?

The artificial snow, set within the artificial brick, forming an artificial path, and topped with artificial trees. It all becomes something as real as my own flesh. I pinch myself again and again. Look at the reindeer.

Daniel Dockery
Can I pet the reindeer, father? Please? They look so friendly.

Kmart, you've won us the war. You put forth the hours, and you made this happen. You're so Christmas that I'll never know it by any other definition. The course of the world has been altered. You've saved us.

Daniel Dockery
Olaf, let us embrace as brothers in Christmas. Come to me, Olaf. Feel my Christmas warmth.

Where is the exit? I think something might be wrong with my vision, as I can only see this display. Help. I am petting the reindeer, and no one can tell me that I'm not allowed. Ha ha! Help. Does anyone have any corn for them to nibble? I see a woman waving goodbye to me. My mouth tastes like brandy farts. I suddenly feel very tired. Very, very tired. My singing bass. Where are my singing bass?

Daniel Dockery
Christmaaaaaaa

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For more Christmas displays that shock and offend, check out the crucified Santa in The 4 Most Weirdly Passive-Aggressive Holiday Displays, and read about the one guy who pooped during the birth of Jesus in 5 Creepy Christmas Traditions From Around The World.

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