Russia, I know that things between us have been pretty weird lately, but if you're reading this, I have a request. I would like you to use your hacker army to find Donald Trump's golf scorecards. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press. You don't have to do it right now, but I implore you to think it over.
See, as I write this, America's Commander in Chief has played golf 16 times since the inauguration. That number will be in the 20s by the time you read this after Easter weekend - and all in only 12 weeks in office. He's on pace to play more rounds in one term than Obama played in two, and his golf trips have him on track to spend more on travel in his first year than Obama did in eight. So far he's spent $35,000 on golf carts so his secret service detail can follow him as he plays, money that goes from the tax payer directly into his own resort hotel.
Yes, there is a degree of hypocrisy here. Yes, candidate Trump did mock Obama for how often he played golf and reassured his supporters he wouldn't do the same when he said, "because I'll be working for you, I won't have time to play golf."
And, yes, there was that time he promised he wouldn't play golf at all because he just wants "to stay in the White House and work my ass off, make great deals, right? Who's gonna leave? Who's gonna leave?"
But all presidents play golf. And if all presidents do it, then dammit, what's the point of all of this if Trump isn't the best presidential golfer of all time? And how are we supposed to know if he is or isn't the best presidential golfer of all time if he doesn't release his scorecards, which he's never made public?
Russia, that's where you come in.
Only you, with your vast armies of scraggly hackers crammed into nondescript Moscow office buildings that reek of Red Bull and roasted moose lips can hack into whatever the natural habitat of a scorecard is and release them. The American people deserve to learn Trump's true golf handicap. It's a vital piece of information that will be used to determine if our president needs to devote more time to governing or to his chip shots from the rough.
A handicap is a number golfers use as a measuring stick to compare each other's skills. The lower the number, the better the golfer. President Trump has claimed his handicap is +2.8. Far be it from me to cast doubt. He owns multiple golf courses and I own an expired membership to a driving range. I'm sure he's skilled, but since that handicap would make him an extraordinarily good golfer for his age and his, let's say, corpulence, the American people need the thousands of scorecards he's built up over the years to be released and verified by an independent committee of golf experts. This committee would consist of a team of four, all of whom will have either previously worked for Goldman Sachs or were on Trump's transition team. Or both.
Russia, we need you to release this information, not only to reassure us that our president is wrecking ass on the green the way someone with a +2.8 handicap would, but to make sure that he's earning that +2.8 legitimately. Here's why: Many people have been saying that Donald Trump cheats at golf. I know. Gasp.
If there's one thing I learned in my short time as a very bad golfer, it's that golf is a game of honor. A fib on a scorecard can lead to a reputation ruined for a lifetime. I don't want to cast vengeful aspersions on our president, whose +2.8 handicap is up there in the Head of State Golf Hall of Fame with that time Kim Jong-Ill made 11 holes-in-one in the first round of golf he ever played in his life at the age of 52, but rumors about Trump's golf impropriety have been circulating for years. Many people have been saying this. Many people.
Samuel L. Jackson is an avid golfer and he's never been shy about publicly voicing the rumors of Trump's cheating. According to former boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya, Trump once interjected himself into Oscar's golf game only to cheat his way through the entire round. Legendary shock rocker and improbable golf fanatic Alice Cooper was once asked which celebrity was the biggest golf cheater. His response: "I played with Donald Trump one time. That's all I'm going to say." The former managing editor of Sports Illustrated magazine played a round with Trump in the mid-'90s. He claims Trump hit a ball into a thicket of grass. A rain came on, so they ducked for cover. When they came back, the ball had somehow made it from the thicket to 10 feet from the pin.
What makes this a real head-scratcher is that in every single case mentioned above, Trump has claimed his accusers are the liars and that he's never once cheated in his life. Frankly, Russia, we don't know who to believe. What's even weirder is that it's not like his accusers have anything to gain, unlike those nearly 20 nasty women who've claimed Trump sexually assaulted them so they can take his money, all his golf courses, and split his presidential powers equally amongst themselves. I'm beginning to suspect Samuel L. Jackson, Oscar De La Hoya, the former managing editor of Sports Illustrated, and Alice Cooper have been working together for decades to make people think Donald Trump habitually commits golf fraud.
This is a serious allegation that, if true, could sully Donald Trump's legacy as a president who golfed a lot. Or, more likely, it can exonerate him, which, honestly, would allow me and millions of Americans to breathe a huge sigh of relief. Finally, thanks to you, Russia, the matter would be put to rest and we could go back to exploding into uproarious applause and maniacal grunts of satisfaction when we receive our usual Friday afternoon notification that President Donald Trump has landed safely in Florida and is already three holes deep. Personally, I just hope the scorecards show Trump has been too humble to reveal that he's already broken Kim Jong-Ill's hole-in-one record many times over. I bet he has. God, what a man.
For more check out 8 Less Known Trump Stories That'd Derail Any Other Campaign and How Half Of America Lost Its F**king Mind.
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