There's a news story we here at the Cracked Blog offices have been asked not to post on. A topic so taboo, we can only discuss it openly while so drunk there's no hope of remembering what we talked about.
Generally, this means Gladstone talks about it a lot, and the rest of us have at one point or another been awoken by the unwelcome torrent of human urine.
But dammit Cracked, I am a blogger of the people, and the people must know! Ladies and gentlemen, at the risk of my own life, I must warn you: The Demolition Man
is coming. No, theyâre not re-releasing the movie; Iâm telling you that the plot of
The Demolition Man
is coming true.
Don't believe me?
Exhibit A, the much-forwarded story of Wesley Snipesâ 3-year sentence in prison
for tax evasion. Or should I call him by his soon-to-be prison name, Simon Phoenix?
Exhibit B, Sylvester Stallone. Whatâs he been up to? Using illegal growth hormones
, practicing his killing skills
, and fighting robots
. Could he be getting ready for the inevitable embrace of Cryosleep as he awaits the year 2032?
The mediaâs got all the pieces, but refuses to make the connection. News items presaging the events of the landmark 1993 Stallone/Snipes vehicle have been cropping up for months now, and stillâ¦forced silence, even from Cracked, the leaders in breaking stories about future anti-utopian action scenarios. WHOâS PAYING YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?!
Fortunately, itâs not too late to prepare. Until certain key events play out, weâve still got time: