There's a news story we here at the Cracked Blog offices have been asked not to post on. A topic so taboo, we can only discuss it openly while so drunk there's no hope of remembering what we talked about.
Generally, this means Gladstone talks about it a lot, and the rest of us have at one point or another been awoken by the unwelcome torrent of human urine.
But dammit Cracked, I am a blogger of the people, and the people must know! Ladies and gentlemen, at the risk of my own life, I must warn you: The Demolition Man
is coming. No, they’re not re-releasing the movie; I’m telling you that the plot of
The Demolition Man
is coming true.
Don't believe me?
Exhibit A, the much-forwarded story of Wesley Snipes’ 3-year sentence in prison
for tax evasion. Or should I call him by his soon-to-be prison name, Simon Phoenix?
Exhibit B, Sylvester Stallone. What’s he been up to? Using illegal growth hormones
, practicing his killing skills
, and fighting robots
. Could he be getting ready for the inevitable embrace of Cryosleep as he awaits the year 2032?
The media’s got all the pieces, but refuses to make the connection. News items presaging the events of the landmark 1993 Stallone/Snipes vehicle have been cropping up for months now, and still…forced silence, even from Cracked, the leaders in breaking stories about future anti-utopian action scenarios. WHO’S PAYING YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?!
Fortunately, it’s not too late to prepare. Until certain key events play out, we’ve still got time: