4

There Would Be Purge Movies

I don't mean that purgers would be aware of the movies we know and love, they'd have their own movies that take place on Purge Day or are about Purge Day. Sure, most of them would be horror movies, just as most Fourth of July movies are about how America kicks ass and most Passover movies are about how everyone in ancient times had British accents ... it's what the topic lends itself to.

But there would also be plenty of movies only tangentially related to The Purge, simply meant to kill time while hunkered down with your loved ones. Hell, in the present, we have a movie about fucking Columbus Day that's about a heist! Wait ... I guess in a larger sense that's spot-on for the story of Christopher Columbus. The point is, there would for sure be an ensemble cast romantic comedy about The Purge where Mila Kunis loves The Purge and a nebbishy guy who hates The Purge try to find a way to make it work. Hell, there would probably be a whole genre of sappy Purge movies to remind everyone about the true meaning of The Purge.

Screen Gems
The real purge was inside us all along.

3

Instagram Would Be Intolerable

A sprawling estate with pastel-clad douchebags, posing with their fathers' guns, hunting the most dangerous game, all underneath a Valencia filter: Welcome to the posts from Instagram celebrities on Purge Night. It would be that and "hot girls" doing duckface in front of flaming cars while subtly sneaking in product placement for Ray Bans. Come on! The purge is from 7:00 P.M. to 7:00 A.M. Sunglasses would be a huge liability if they were in any actual danger.

2

Travelling Abroad Would Be Really Awkward

As it is, the rest of the world thinks of the U.S. like we're an insane Wild West country with six-shooters on our hips. A land where you can get shot for basically anything except a vaccination because those are prohibitively expensive. The Purge would not help that image. Every conversation an American had abroad would inevitably revolve around The Purge.

Unsplash/Pixabay
"So, how's the weather ... during the Purge?"

1

Every March 22nd Would Be A Pissing Contest Over Who Had The Worse Purge

Obviously, the truly difficult part of The Purge that we never see on camera is dealing with the aftermath. By "aftermath" I don't mean repairing billions of dollars of damage to infrastructure, cleaning up the bodies lining the streets, or somehow trying to trust your neighbors again after you'd seen them hunt your cousin for sport. No, I figure we'd find a way around all that. After all, we were able to keep society going despite the fact that millions of people liked the show Bones, which was equally mind-boggling and morally reprehensible.

Huskyherz/Pixabay
"Back in our day, we Purged both ways, uphill."

No, by "aftermath" I mean the interactions the day after that would be so painfully awkward you'd wish you hadn't outrun that guy with the flaying knife the night before. Absolutely everyone you interacted with would have their own dumb take of the Purge that you'd be forced to listen to. The people at your office would be telling sob stories about not finding a single person to Purge all night. Waiters would talk you into dessert with cheesy jokes about burning enough car(b)s the night before. Your older friends would talk condescendingly about how they don't purge anymore because it's, "too much buildup for not much payoff." It would be a living nightmare.

It would be one of those things people talk up all year and then can never possibly live up to the hype -- like your birthday or the Shamrock Shake. So when The Purge actually comes, be ready for it to be a commercialized, idealized, lame version of what you see in the movies. It's almost enough to make you think it isn't a good idea.

Aaron Kheifets hopes that the inevitable rise of The Purge won't negatively impact his Twitter.

For more check out 6 Horrifying Implications of the Harry Potter Universe and 5 Deeply Troubling Questions The Marvel Movies Don't Address.

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