It Is I, The Mastermind Behind The War On Christmas
You've probably heard of the War on Christmas: the effort to stop the creation of and the consumption of Christmas cheer in the United States. But have you ever wondered who would wage such a war? Who would gather intelligence, muster political will, mobilize assets, and execute a war against a holiday that is primarily about buying stuff and being nice to people? You fools! Accept a warm "Happy Holidays" from me, the mastermind behind the War on Christmas.
What Does It Mean To Wage A War On Christmas?
Waging a war on Christmas isn't a piece of non-denominational holiday baked good. It's a huge undertaking. We are attempting, for some reason, to stop the free exchange of Christmas-related goodwill, merriment, and joy in a nation of 300 million people. Think about the logistical complexity of our central mission: discouraging people from saying "Merry Christmas" to one another in public spaces. Over 80 percent of Christmas cheer is exchanged in person, which means it can't be monitored by signals intelligence such as phone tapping or cheersignature imaging from our satellites. But recruiting human sources has proven equally difficult because nobody gives a shit if someone says "Merry Christmas" to them.
cocozi/PixabayThough to be fair, the numbers on pre-1950s candy cane stabbings are spotty at best.