There's no place where you're more vulnerable to the post-election apocalypse than in the shower. It doesn't matter that the water has been replaced with toxic sludge, or that mutated sewer rats scurry out of the toilet. When you take a shower, you want to feel relaxed. With this Bluetooth Shower Speaker, you can stream you favorite playlists from your smartphone while scrubbing down with the uranium-enriched soap you found at the fallout site. Sing along in the shower to the dulcet tones of Celine Dion as you think to yourself, "my country might not go on for much longer, but hey, at least my heart will go on, and that's all that matters."
Is the land torn asunder? Do marauders roam the streets? Have the Heavens opened up to flood the Earth and cleanse us of our sins? Then boy are these the earbuds for you. The FresheBuds are water-resistant enough to stand in the face of God's wrath. They're sweat-resistant so they won't slip out of your ears as you flee a bloodthirsty horde. Best of all, they're Bluetooth-compatible, so you won't drop a call while hacking away at your neighbor with an ax as you fight over who gets to drink the remaining fresh water from the septic tank. Did we mention that they're normally $120, but today you can get them for only $40? (Or whatever that translates to in the New World Order currency. Two corn husks, maybe?)
There is one group of people that has gotten off easy through all of this: astronauts. Or in the specific example of this phone case, Basstronauts. Not only do the Basstronauts get to live in the safe outreaches of space, away from the burning wreckage of our society, but they also get to do so while listening to kickass, hard-hitting bass. Honor their mission by purchasing this phone case for $6 off with free shipping (enter code: DANCER6) from the Cracked Dispensary. While you will never again experience safety on your own planet, maybe one day, when the Earth has settled into the quiet stupor of a post-apocalyptic wasteland, the Basstronauts will descend from on high and say to you, "Hey, cool phone case, brah!" And that'll make this election all worth it.
But Cracked, how do I get this sweet gear? Also, save my family?
That's easy. Go to the Cracked Dispensary for our exclusive designs, which can be printed on phone cases, T-shirts, and more. Then go to the Cracked Store to browse through headphones and other top-of-the-line gadgets. Saving your family will be a bit harder. We don't suspect you'll fare well against the likely Trump revolt (win or lose), or when Jill Stein summons the monster from Loch Ness and rides her into battle like Khaleesi upon a dragon. But the United States military does have a trillion dollars' worth of unused tanks lying around. So maybe after buying some headphones, you can get your hands on some of those?
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