Hate By Numbers Is On Vacation

As I've told some of you in our sexy and private chats (meaning my Facebook status message) I'm not doing a Hate By Numbers this week. In its place is a golden oldie from a simpler time -- five weeks ago. Watch Larry King (HBN's Crown Prince) get to the bottom of an alien videotape controversy and/or not. Then read about why I'm not doing an HBN today after the jump!

But why no HBN this week? Well, there are many reasons. There are also many fake reasons. I've included both kinds below for you to sort out:
  • I am in the middle of intense contractual negotiations and I'm withholding product in the hopes that Cracked caves to my one demand: scantily-clad, groupie assistants to work the camera and dust the green screen. (Frankly, I can't believe they won't give in here. I mean, I even left the definition of "scantily clad" way open -- French Maid, Sexy Nurse, Vampiress. All good.)
  • I'm scared of the vocal minority that insists I suck. I wake up with night terrors. And don't get me started about the folks at Digg.com.
  • I planned my week off with Dan O'Brien's travel absence to bring the Cracked empire to its knees so we can launch our competing site: The Mace & Machete Comedy Show ... .com.
  • I am currently in talks with the Merchant/Ivory people to turn Hate By Numbers into a wartime romance set in the English countryside.
  • Swaim offered me a role in Internet Party 3: Electric Booga-YouTube if I stop doing HBN. I think that's a good deal, especially because he assures me Facebook girl thinks I'm dreamy.
  • I've done it for 11 weeks straight, writing, delivering, and editing it myself, and I deserve a break.

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