I know DOB only started telling the rest of you last week, but for months now he's been going on about how he's going to be the new host of Late Night. "Segments, Gladstone," he keeps saying. "I need segments! I can't keep picking fights with Hannah Montana. That's going to get old." "Going to get old?" I thought, but I felt I owed it to Dan --- much in the way you still give money to a homeless woman pretending to be pregnant--- you feel so bad that she's delusional enough to believe she could fool anyone with a pillow under her shirt that you just have to reward the effort. So I grabbed a recent news story ---Tiffany Shepherd, the Florida High School teacher who was fired for working part time as a "bikini-mate" on a charted fishing cruise--- and put it through my previously tested numeric hate machine to create a new segment:
The main benefit of watching TV is seeing the plight of sad bastards who aren't you.
The 'wellness' market is thriving right now.
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.
Let's not get too crazy, kids.