What the Fuck?
Hi there! It's me, the charming guy covered in bruises and gravy, face-down with his head in your (thankfully) unlit fireplace and one leg draped awkwardly on what looks like a fairly expensive ottoman. Happy Black Friday!
Also You're Naked.
Thought I covered that with "charming," but that's fine. I am naked, you are very correct. Sharp though your detective skills clearly are, you've still understandably got a lot of questions, and I'd like to help you answer them, ideally before you call the cops.
How Did You Get In Here?
That's a good question, but the "how" is nowhere near as important as the "why."
Okay, Why Are You Here?
That's also not important. Hope this clarifies everything; I'll be on my way now.
I've Dialed 9 and 1...
Okay okay okay. We'll start over, what are some questions you'd like answered?
How Did You Get In My Damn House?!
Easy. One part know-how, one part elbow-grease, one part ingenuity, and one part I-broke-in-through-your-skylight. Figured you'd be out shopping for Black Friday deals all morning so I was free to make as much noise as I wanted. That's probably why your master bedroom smells like hot farts and curse words.
Why Are You Naked?
Why is anyone naked, you know? Aren't we all, on some level, always naked, and also never naked? But on a more hometown level, I'm naked because I used my clothes to put out a fire someone started in your linen closet.
Did You Start-
Yes, I started a small fire in your linen closet. I'm not used to staying somewhere so fancy, I had no idea what a linen closet was. Assumed it was a primitive stove, etcetera etcetera, this part's boring, let's move on, next question.
Please Take This Towel.
That's not a question.
Would You Like To Cover Yourself Up With a Towel?
I would not.
It Looks Like Your Covered In My Leftover Thanksgiving Gravy. Am I Right About That?
You are! The short story is I did it for funsies, the long is that I did it to try to drown out all of the ants I'd brought into your house with me and, yes, I brought ants into your house. They are just everywhere.
Why Did You Draw Moustaches on All of the Pictures of My Family?
To raise money and awareness for cancer research you asshole.
Oh. Is That Why You Shaved My Cat, Too?
Why Are You Covered in Bruises?
OOH, this is unrelated to most of the other stuff. I had this idea for a reality show about like somebody, (me), who goes around and ends up getting a bunch of crooked settlements and sweet deals because our judicial system is the balls. So, I set up your attic ladder and then tossed myself down it, and then I was going to see if I could sue you for damages, like for having an unsafe ladder. I'd get a bunch of bruises, find a good lawyer, take-
This is Already Too Involved; Give Me the 'Elevator Pitch.'
Incorrigible scamp uses schemes and scams to exploit the legal system for financial gain to highlight how corrupt and hole-filled our current courts really are.
What Sort of Schemes?
It's not fully-formed yet. I told you about falling down the attic ladder. I also had this other one where I just leave a regular ladder out somewhere, like at construction site and then I trip over it. Or maybe I walk under a ladder and then sue someone for bad luck? I don't know, I got on a pretty big ladder kick in the brainstorming session.
Interesting, But I'm Worried You Couldn't Get Any Star-Power Attached, and Celebrity is Really Make-or-Break These Days
What if I told you I could get Wesley Snipes as the defense attorney?
I Would Watch That Show.
Boom, yeah you would. So my next step would be to sue you because your ladders are faulty, and your gravy is too slippery on the body, and your kid's bike is broken.
You Broke My Son's Bike?
Is that all you got out of that sentence? Jeez. Yes, technically, I did. But we'll see who broke what in the eyes of the law.
Speaking of, I Dialed 1.
Dammit, okay, that's fine. There's a very real possibility that I'm going to try to swing you as a hostage in a bit, so are there any last questions on your mind?
Just 'Why,' I guess? Why to All of These Awful, Awful Things?
Do you remember the First Thanksgiving? In school, we are taught that the Pilgrims and Indians joined hands. Land disputes were ignored, religious debates were temporarily placed on hold and cultural gaps were, for just a night, bridged. They set aside their differences and sat together for dinner, as equals.
Frankly, that's not how it went down. In reality, the Pilgrims showed up on the Indians' land, took what they wanted and kicked the Indians to the side, sticking them in crappy reservations and as bad guys in cowboy movies, (even though, really, Pilgrims VS Indians would have been a much more realistic-- albeit slightly more boring-- genre of movie). Pilgrims invaded America, they didn't discover it. We've been teaching our children the wrong lessons about Thanksgiving.
I ask you, what lesson is that teaching? What kind of children are we trying to raise by promoting that image of America? Because, sure, in the short term, America and the Pilgrims look great. But those kids are going to grow up and find out that they've been lied to about America, by America. We're raising generations of people who are bound to turn out bitter and cynical, distrustful of authority. Is that what we want? Do you see where I'm going with this?
Cops Are Five Minutes Away.
What I'm part of is a Global Movement of Truth. In an effort to spread the word about what really went down at the first Thanksgiving, every year I'm going to break into someone's house, act like I own the place, take whatever I want, spread ants around the way Pilgrims spread diseases among the Indians, and also maybe I throw some actual smallpox in the mix, get naked to symbolize the bold and shameless and unapologetic nature of our ancestors and because running around naked is awesome, see if there are any pets around and-
Can You Put Your Hands Behind Your Head And Walk With Me, Please?
Yeah, in a second, officer, I'm doing a thing, here. Now-
Hang on, Smallpox?
A little bit. As symbolism. And I only did it to spread the word about Thanksgiving. Our Pilgrim forefathers were takers. They took food, land, shelter, and they probably would've taken some of your DVDs if they'd had the opportunity, but they didn't, and I did. Is that a crime?
Word? Huh. Wow, I guess I learned something today, then. And, really, isn't that what Thanksgiving's truly all ab-
[Sound of a Taser]
Whose job is it to solve crimes?
There is much to show you.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
The most unrealistic thing about fictional villains is that they don't get arrested until the plot calls for it.